Why Do Friendships End?
By Allison Hunter
The only danger in Friendship is that it will end.
– Henry David Thoreau
1 I received an email from a reader who asked, “Why do some friendships end, no matter how much you want them to last?” She referred to having seen the question in one of my articles, Mystery of Friendship. As I wrote in it, I don’t think easy answers exist as to how friendships start, why some turn into lifetime ones, and why some end. Although I’ve tried answering the first two questions in other articles (To Have A Friend and BeA Friend), I still get surprised by friendships that endure and disillusioned by ones that slip away. Even so, I’ll try to offer some insights here as to why friendships end.
2 My simple answer is that friendships end because the situations friends are in or even the friends themselves change. Others have similar answers. First, the situations friends face may change. The decision to relocate for a new school or job cannot help but affect a friendship. Likewise, if a friend is in an accident, develops an illness, or loses someone close, these situations cannot help but affect a friendship. Does a friendship need to end because of these changes? No, but it’ll require adjustments that one or both friends might not be willing to make.
3 Second, the friends themselves may change. A significant reason that friendships often end when friends are apart for an extended period of time (for summer camp, college, etc.) is that one or both of the friends change. I think it hurts less when both friends change, because then the breakup is more often mutual and so both friends get closure by both deciding to let go and move forward in their lives without each other. What tends to hurt most is when just one friend changes. One friend might change social circles, become involved in new social organizations, start to date, get a pet, or take on some other venture that consumes more time and passion. Again, a friendship can endure these changes, unless one or both of the friends for some reason decide not to invest the time and energy involved in the adjustment period. (For example, one friend might forget the importance of the friendship due to the high of having a new pet or might feel that the change is impossible to overcome when one gets married but the other is still single.) In this situation, breakups may not be mutual and so one or both friends feel betrayed and end up with bitter memories about what was a precious friendship to them.
4 There are other reasons why friendships end. For example, as much as two people might want a friendship to survive, oneor both of them might unintentionally neglect it. Friendship is often compared to a flower garden. Well, if flowers don’t get exposed regularly enough to sunlight and don’t get watered enough, flowers will wither and even die. The same applies to friendship. If week after week passes where plans are made to spend time together but are never honored, perhaps due to taking a friendship for granted, eventually even the closest of friendships may cease to have a reason to exist.
5 Conflicts can also cause the end of friendships. If the flower is a fledgling plant, one blow might destroy it just as sometimes relatively young friendships aren’t strong enough to endure much conflict. Even those amazing close friendships, where friends love us no matter what our faults are, need care when it comes to conflicts. Sure, if a flourishing flower gets stepped on, it might revive on its own. Moreover, if it gets a little extra special care, it’ll probably bounce back as if it hadn’t ever been injured. At the same time, if a flower gets repeatedly trampled on, it’ll probably eventually break. Especially the friendships that have been around for a long time can endure storms, and even become stronger for them, but most friendships have breaking points.
6 Nevertheless, while we can rarely predict at the outset which ones will last, most friendships do enrich us for however short or long they’re a part of our lives.
为什么友谊会终结？
艾利森·亨特
友谊内在的唯一危险是：友谊将会终结。
——亨利·大卫·梭罗
1 我收到一位读者的电子邮件，她在邮件中问道：“为什么有些友谊不管你多么想维系它却还是会终结？”该读者说她曾在我发表的一篇文章《友谊之谜》中见到过这个问题。正如我在文章中所说，对于友谊是如何开始的、为什么有些友谊会维系终生、为什么有些友谊会终结这类问题，我认为没有简单的答案。虽然我在别的文章中——《拥有一个朋友》和《做一个朋友》——尝试回答过前两个问题，但是，我仍然对那些经久不衰的友谊感到惊讶，也对那些逝去的友谊感到失望。即便如此，我还是要在本文中对为什么友谊会终结提出我的一些见解。
2 我的回答很简单,友谊终结是因为朋友处境的改变，或甚至是因朋友自身的变化。其他人也有相似的回答。首先，朋友面临的境遇有可能改变。因进一个新的学校或有一份新的工作而决定搬家，这就不能不影响到友谊。同样，如果朋友出了事故，患了疾病，或失去了亲人，这些情况也不能不影响友谊。然而，基于上述原因，友谊就要终结吗？回答是不，但这就需要作相应调整，然而一方或双方却可能不愿作这样的调整。
3 其次，朋友自身可能在变。朋友长时间不在一起（如参加夏令营、上大学等）友谊常常会终止的一个重要原因是一方或双方改变了。我认为当朋友双方都改变时，其伤害较轻，因为这时的分手往往是互相的，双方都决定不再交往，从此各奔东西，让友谊终结。当只有一方改变时，往往造成的伤害最重。一方也许换了社交圈子、加入了新的社会组织、开始谈恋爱了、养了一只宠物或从事某个更费时间、更需激情的有风险的事业。当然，友谊是经得起这些变化的，除非一方或双方由于某种原因决定不再在友谊调整期内投入必要的时间和精力。（例如，一方由于养了新宠物而极度兴奋，因而可能忘了友谊的重要性，又或者一方结婚而另一方还是单身时，朋友也许感到这一变化无法克服。）在这种情况下，友谊终止可能不是相互的，所以，一方或双方感到被背叛，最后只留下对一段珍贵友谊的苦涩回忆。
4 除此以外，友谊终结还有其它原因。例如，尽管双方也许想维系这段友谊，但是一方或双方可能无意间疏忽了它。友谊常被比作花园，如果花儿不能时常晒到阳光和得到足够的浇灌，花儿将会枯萎，甚至死亡。友谊也是如此。有人也许将友谊当成理所当然的事，他们让时间一周一周流逝，从不兑现相聚的计划，最终，即便是最亲密的友谊也可能失去存在的理由。
5 矛盾冲突也会导致友谊的终结。如果花儿还很幼嫩，一阵风就可能将其摧毁。同样，相对稚嫩的友谊有时无法经受大的冲突。当涉及矛盾冲突时，即便那些令人称羡的亲密友谊，即那种不管有什么过错朋友也照样关爱我们的那种友谊，也需要得到呵护。无疑，如果盛开的花儿被人踩了一下，它也许会自我复苏。而且，如果它得到一点额外的特别呵护的话，它很可能会迅速痊愈，就好像从未经历过伤害一样。然而，如果花儿被人不断地踩踏，它很可能最终夭折。只有那些长存的友谊才能经得起大风大浪，甚至因此变得更加牢不可破。但是大多数朋友之间的友谊有其折断点。
6 然而，虽然我们很少能从一开始就预见到哪些友谊会持久，但多数友谊确实丰富了我们的人生，因为无论友谊是长是短，它们都是我们生活的一部分。
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