And now,the onion news…… America’s finest news source.
Armed gunman shoots to top of banking world （持枪男在银行界一鸣惊人）
场景一：
匪徒:Nobody move，unless you want your head blown off.（都别动，除非你想被爆头）
You……
负责人：Please Please，don’t shoot me. I’ll give you however much you want.（请别杀我，你要多少钱我都给）
匪徒：Whoa，whoa! You think I want money?（你认为我想要钱吗？）You think that’s what this is about?（你认为我就这么点儿出息吗？）A big, angry yellow man comes walking in waving a gun……And you assume he’s robbing the place? I ain’t looking for no goddamn handout.（一个高大的牛哄哄的黄种人举着枪走进来，你就认为我在抢劫吗？我才不要嗟来之食。）I’m looking for a motherfucking job!（我只是想他妈的找份工作！）
负责人：Excuse me.
匪徒：You heard me. A motherfucking job.（别装聋，我要一份他妈的工作！）Don’t you see, if you give me money, that’ll just help me in the short term. But a job, that’ll help me develop valuable job skills and experience.（不明白吗？如果给我钱，只能解决短期的问题，但工作可以让我获得宝贵的技能和经验。）It’s like teaching a man how to fish.（授人鱼不如授人以渔。）So quit stalling, get your bitch ass back there……（不要拖延时间了，滚到后面去）And give me a 40 hour week position, With vacation pay and benefits. And don’t make me ask twice. Back that ass up.（给我安排一个有双休日的职位，要有带薪休假和福利，我没那么多耐心，快点儿安排去！）
场景二：
匪徒：Let’s go, let’s go. I can help the next person in line. You in that apricot sweater suit,you're your bitch ass on over here now. How can I help you today? （继续，继续，我可以给你们提供服务。 穿杏色毛衣的女士，死到这来。要帮忙吗？）
女士：I’d like to deposit this check, please, into my savings account. And then I need to withdraw……（我想把这张支票存入储蓄账户。我还要取……）
匪徒：Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just shut the fuck up for a minute.（打住，打住！你他妈的停一下！）
对负责人讲：What you fuck do in? You call in the cops?（你他妈的在干什么？你在报警吗？）
负责人：No！
匪徒：If that’s the goddamned cops（如果是警察！）
负责人：No, no! I swear. I was just on with an account holder. I was advising him……（不是，我发誓！我和客户在通电话，我建议他……）
匪徒：I’m gonna kill you!（我杀了你！）
（接电话）匪徒：Who the fuck’s this? You a cop? （你是谁？警察吗？）Well, what I recommend is that you keep at least 500 in your checking……To just avoid the minimum balance fee……And put the rest in our money market , which will earn you an additional 2% interest. Right. You have a nice day, sir, my pleasure.（我建议你在账户上至少留500元，这样才不会扣最低存款服务费，把你余下的钱交给我们投资，你可以另外获得2%的利息。对，祝您今天愉快，很荣幸为您效劳。）
（对负责人）Oh，sorry. My bad.（对不起，是我不好）
负责人：That’s OK, honest mistake.（没关系，你不是故意的）
经理：Armed gunman, I’ve been watching you. And I just say, I’m impressed. How’d you like to be our new customer services supervisor?（拿枪的，我一直在观察你。老实说，你很有才干，你愿意做我们新的客服主管吗？）
匪徒：It’d be my motherfucking honor.（我太他妈荣幸了！）
场景三：
匪徒乙：Everybody down, now! Get the fuck down, everybody! Give me all the money! Hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! What you doing? You playing back there. Load the bag up with money and nobody else fucking move. You hurry up! Hurry the fuck up! Load the bag up, load the bag!（都趴下，都他妈趴下！把所有钱都给我，快点儿！你干什么呢？别慢慢吞吞的！往袋子里装钱，其他人都不准动。）
（被打死）
匪徒甲：You sicken me! Asking for a handout. Instead of raising yourself up out of your situation through hard work. Why don’t you get a job like the rest of us?（你真让我恶心，不努力工作，却跑来抢劫，要嗟来之食，你就不能像我们一样找份工作吗？）
本文来源：https://www.2haoxitong.net/k/doc/64426719a8114431b90dd857.html
文档为doc格式