夫妻之间越吵架越恩爱

夫妻之间越吵架越恩爱?

If you fought with your sweetheart last night, does that mean that your relationship is on the rocks?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Research shows it's how we fight -- where, when, what tone of voice and words we use, whether we hear each other out fairly -- that's critical. If we argue poorly, we may end up headed for divorce court. Yet if we argue well, experts say, we actually may improve our relationship.

Esther and Bill Bleuel learned to change the way they fight. A few years ago, they had a serious spat while driving down Interstate 5 in California. The topic was a sore one: His adult daughters from his first marriage. Ms. Bleuel felt her husband paid more attention to them than to her.

Suddenly, Ms. Bleuel, who was driving, saw red lights flashing behind her. Glancing quickly at her speedometer, she realized she was traveling 96 miles per hour in 65 mph zone. She pulled over, and a policeman approached the car. Before she had a chance to speak, though, her husband said: 'Officer, it is my fault. I was arguing with my wife and she got upset.'

Ms. Bleuel, a 64-year-old psychotherapist from Westlake Village, Calif., says that the policeman looked stunned, then replied: 'Oh boy, I know what it's like -- I'm married, too. But please, in the future, try to go easy on her.'

It's great advice for everyone, right? But how do we do it? How can we learn to keep our cool when we're upset? How long should we let a disagreement go on? Is there always a 'winner'?

'All couples disagree -- it's how they disagree that makes the difference,' says Howard Markman, professor of psychology at the University of Denver and co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies. For 30 years, Dr. Markman has conducted research that looks at how couples deal with conflict. A key finding: Couples who argue well are happier. Or, as Dr. Markman says, 'You can get angry, but it's important to talk without fighting.'

The latest findings from his research, published in June in the 'Journal of Family Psychology,' show that couples who reported they had negative communication before marriage -- criticizing each other's opinions, rolling their eyes, leaving the room -- were more likely to end up divorcing.

Although research shows that the biggest issues couples argue about are money, sex, work, kids and housework, we all know the possibilities for conflict are endless. I've been asking couples what they argue about and have heard about plenty of fights over home renovations, plus sports cars, mini-skirts, how to a pack and whether to buy mayonnaise or Miracle Whip. One man said he and his girlfriend argue over whether to argue.

Diana Miller, a 65-year-old financial advisor from San Diego, once fought with a former boyfriend over Trout Amandine. She had spent more than an hour preparing it one evening. Her boyfriend loved the dinner, she says, but he became upset when she tossed the leftover wrapper and fish skin in the trash.

'I couldn't believe how unhappy he became about a potential fish stench when I had just cooked this great meal,' she says. 'I felt underappreciated and furious.' Ms. Miller responded by stomping her foot and telling her boyfriend that she was going for a walk -- and they could discuss the issue when she returned.

It may be helpful to note that the experts make no distinction between arguing, fighting, bickering or even nagging (I was horrified to learn). They're all ways of expressing disagreement with another person that often become destructive, with one or both people using insults, clamming up or storming off.

Why do we do this? For starters, many of us learned by watching our parents have destructive arguments -- or bottle up their anger and give each other the silent treatment. We've also been raised to believe that success means winning -- and if one side wins, the other must lose.

Now, here's the good news: It's possible to learn to argue in a much healthier way. The first thing you have to do is talk to the other person. 'The longer a conflict stews, the more likely we are going to get into catastrophe mode,' says Jennifer Samp, associate professor in the speech communication department at the University of Georgia and a fellow at the Institute for Behavioral Research.

'We are mulling it and thinking about it and it will become bigger and scarier and more threatening than if we are able to talk about it if it just comes up,' she says.

Dr. Markman has developed a method, for helping couples settle disputes, called the 'speaker-listener technique,' which he details in a newly-revised edition of a book he wrote with several colleagues: 'Fighting for Your Marriage.'

He says that couples who have a disagreement should call a 'couple's meeting' to discuss the issue without looking for a solution -- and set a time limit of 15 minutes. They may flip a coin to see who speaks first.

The person who wins the toss, let's say it's the wife, should explain her position in two to three statements. Her husband should listen, then repeat what he heard, to show that he understood. The wife should then speak again, further explaining her position. And, again, the husband should listen and repeat her points.

They then reverse roles and repeat those same steps.

'A lot of times, all you need is to be listened to,' says Dr. Markman, who tells couples that by the end of this exercise, it's likely that an answer to their problem will be evident. If it is not, they may then have another meeting specifically to brainstorm solutions.

The Bleuels, of the speeding incident, fight differently today. (The officer never did give them a ticket.) Subsequently, Ms. Bleuel earned a master's degree in conflict resolution at Pepperdine. It was there, she says, that she learned how to argue, including how to set a time limit and other rules.

One recent weekend, she and her husband sat down at their kitchen table and politely discussed some home renovations, which they disagreed upon.

'The best thing was that at the end of it all, he was comfortable and so was I,' says Ms. Bleuel. 'It's a much easier way to live.'

假如昨晚你和爱人吵架了，这是否意味着你们的关系已岌岌可危？

有可能是，也有可能不是。

研究显示，决定吵架后果的关键在于吵架的方式：何时、何地、何种语气、用了怎样的措辞、双方是否都正确地理解了对方的怨言。如果双方缺乏吵架的技巧，那么最终很可能会以离婚作结。专家表示，如果夫妻双方掌握了吵架的艺术，那么吵架很可能会改进双方的关系。

现年64岁的埃斯特·布洛伊尔（Esther Bleuel）是加州西湖村（Westlake Village）的一名精神治疗医师。她和丈夫比尔·布洛伊尔（Bill Bleuel）就学会了如何改变吵架的方式。几年前，在驾车穿行加州的5号州际公路时，这对夫妇发生了严重的争执。争执的话题是：布洛伊尔先生和前妻生的几个女儿。布洛伊尔夫人认为丈夫更关心他的女儿，却冷落了她。

突然间，正在驾车的布洛伊尔夫人看到车后有警灯闪耀。瞥了一眼速度表后，她意识到自己超速了。这一路段的最高限速是65英里/小时，而当时她的车速是每小时96英里。她将车停在了路边。交警走了过来，还没等布洛伊尔夫人开口，做丈夫的就说道：“警官，是我的错。我不该在她开车时和她争执，她刚才有些心慌意乱。”

布洛伊尔夫人回忆说，当时警官就愣住了，过了一会儿才说：“我理解，老兄。我也结婚了。不过以后请努力跟她好好相处吧。”

谁都会觉得这是一个不错的建议，对吧？但我们怎么才能做到呢？生气的时候我们又该如何保持冷静呢？双方分歧该持续多长时间？夫妻吵架是否总有一方是“胜者”呢？

丹佛大学（University of Denver）心理学教授、家庭和婚姻研究中心（Center for Marital and Family Studies）联合主席霍华德·马克曼（Howard Markman）表示，“每一对夫妻都会产生分歧，但问题的关键在于两人如何处理分歧。”30年来，马克曼博士一直在研究吵架的夫妻如何解决争端。有一个重要发现是：懂得争吵艺术的夫妻生活更幸福。或者用马克曼博士的话说就是，“你可以生气，但要去沟通，不要互相谩骂，这一点非常重要。”

马克曼博士研究的最新成果发表在6月份的《家庭心理学杂志》（“Journal of Family Psychology”）上：那些称自己在婚前就存在消极沟通的夫妻，更有可能以离婚收场。所谓消极沟通，指的是夫妻双方相互指责对方的观点，对对方的看法不以为然以及愤然离开房间等行为。

研究显示，夫妻双方争执的焦点大多是围绕着钱、性生活、工作、孩子以及家务等话题，但我们都知道可能产生争执的话题是无止境的。我曾问过一些夫妻他们到底在吵些什么，得到的答案五花八门：家庭装修、跑车、迷你裙、如何打包、买蛋黄酱还是奇妙酱（Miracle Whip）。更有甚者，一位男士告诉我他曾和女友为是否要争执而吵架。

现年65岁的黛安娜·米勒（Diana Miller）是圣地亚哥市（San Diego）的一名理财顾问。她曾和前男友就一道杏香鳟鱼（Trout Amandine）发生了争执。有天晚上，米勒花了一个多小时做了这样一道菜。她说，男友对晚餐很满意，但当米勒将剩饭和鱼皮倒入垃圾桶时，她的男友开始不高兴了。

她说，“真是难以置信，在我做了这样一顿丰盛的晚餐之后，他却会因为屋里可能会有鱼臭味而不高兴。我觉得自己的付出没有得到欣赏，因此很愤怒。”米勒的回应是跺了跺脚，告诉男友自己要出去散步，回来之后再讨论刚才那件不愉快的事情。

值得注意的是，在专家看来，争执、吵架、拌嘴甚而唠叨，这四者之间并无区别（我知道了这一点之后很是吃惊），都是向对方表达异见的方法。这些做法往往会引发激烈的争吵，夫妻一方或双方使用辱骂，缄默不语或者摔门而出等行为表示自己的不满。

我们为什么会这样做呢？首先，大多数人小时候都看过父母发生激烈的争吵，或是强忍怒气，进行冷战。另外，我们从小接受的教育是获胜代表成功，而且如果一方胜利，那么另一方必定失败。

现在，告诉你一个好消息：你可以学习用更加健康的方式进行争吵。首先，你要学会和对方沟通。佐治亚大学（University of Georgia）口语传播学系副教授、行为研究所（Institute for Behavioral Research）研究员珍妮弗·桑普（Jennifer Samp）表示，“冲突持续越久，双方越有可能进入僵局。”

她表示，“我们自己在内心反复思量，结果却使问题变得更加复杂，对双方的关系也更具威胁。但如果在问题出现之际，我们就及时沟通协商，结果可能会好得多。”

马克曼博士开发了一种帮助夫妻解决纠纷的方法。这种方法被称为“发言者─聆听者技巧”（speaker-listener technique）。他在与几位同事合作攥写的《为你的婚姻而战》（“Fighting for Your Marriage”）一书的最新修订版中详细论述了这种技巧。

在马克曼博士看来，发生矛盾的夫妻应该召开一次“夫妻会议”来讨论争执的焦点。这个会议并不急于找到问题的解决方法，时限为15分钟。两人可以通过掷硬币的方式来决定谁先发言。

假设首先发言的人是妻子，她应该用两到三句话来解释自己的立场。丈夫则默默倾听，然后复述听到的内容，以证明自己理解了妻子的观点。然后妻子再次发言，进一步解释自己的立场。而丈夫还是倾听并复述妻子说话的内容。

然后两人互换角色，重复上面的步骤。

马克曼博士说，“很多时候，你需要的只是一个安静的听众。”他表示，在会议结束的时候，问题的答案很可能已经显现。如果没有，那么双方可以再召开一次会议，进行头脑风暴，以找到解决问题的关键。

上文提及的布洛伊尔夫妇如今已学会了换种方式来争吵（那名交警并没有给他们开罚单）。布洛伊尔夫人后来在佩珀代因大学（Pepperdine University）获得了冲突解决（conflict resolution）专业的硕士学位。布洛伊尔夫人表示，学习让她懂得了如何争吵，包括如何设定时限以及其它规则。

最近的一个周末，这对夫妻在餐桌前坐了下来，心平气和地讨论了一些家庭装修的问题，此前他们总是意见不合。

布洛伊尔夫人说，“最好的一点是，谈到最后，我们都很舒心。我们现在的生活比以前轻松适意多了。”

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