Posts Tagged 搞笑剧本
《正义必胜》英语话剧剧本
5人短剧。搞笑的匪徒,搞笑的绑架案，不错的剧本。
人物
Bunny Cheng: Bunny Chen
Eliza Lin: Daughter
Celine Tu: Reporter et Aside
Sano Hsieh: Small gangster(小流氓)
Trent Cheng: Big gangster(大流氓)
——————————————————————————–
SCENE I
A mother is doing exercise in the living room when the phone is ringing. And her daughter is in the school now.
Mom: Hello~
Caller: (A boy is crying.) Ha! Your kid is here. Do you hear his voice? If you want to save your kid, prepare the ransom.
Mom: Are you crazy? I don’t have a son!!! Don’t try to cheat me. Stupid guy!
The mother is very angry and hung up the phone. But later… the phone is ringing again…
Mom: Hello~
Caller: Hello~ Are you busy now?
Mom: (I recognize the voice.) You are a fraud, right? Do you want to trick me again? Is it fun? Don’t do such a boring thing, O.K.? I won’t believe you.
Caller: Really? Listen to this.(A girl is crying on the phone, ”mom, help me~ help me~)
Mom: Oh~ you are a good actor. This time is better but I still won’t fall into your trap to rob me of my money! If you call again, I will call the cop. Do you understand? (Hang up the phone more angrier.)
But the voice sounds like her daughter’s and the mom is not disturbed. She decides to go to the elementary school to see her daughter. The mom got there…
Mom: Eliza~
Eliza: Mom~ why you are here? Are you missing me? Do you come here to pick me up?
Mom: Ya~ are you happy in the school? Let’s go home. I want to tell you something on the way home.
Mom tells Eliza about the phone scam and wants her to be careful from now on.
SCENE II
Because the mother didn’t believe the two gangsters really kidnapped her kid, the gangsters were furious. So they decided to kidnap her daughter this time.
The gangsters have found the school her daughter studies in, and observed for many days. Today is the day they plan to kidnap the child.
The big gangster always focuses on what he’s doing but the small gangster is usually absent-minded.
Big gangster: Hey! Concentrate!! (The big gangster hit the small gangster’s head)
Small gangster: Ouch! O.K. O.K.
At this moment, the girl appears.
Small gangster: (Check the picture.) Hey!! Buddy!! Look! Is that her?
Big gangster: Ha! Ha! Ha! It’s hunting time.
Small gangster: I’m so excited!! Oh~ what a beautiful girl. Just like a fairy. My sweetheart… Buddy do you know? I feel that I get butterflies in my stomach!
Big gangster: (Hitting the small gangster’s head again.) Hey! Wake up!! Stop day-dreaming. Let’s make a move!
Small gangster: Oh~ my baby~ I’m coming!!
Big gangster: Hey!! Lady!! Can you do me a favor?
Eliza: Sure! What can I do for you?
Small gangster: (Murmuring) This beautiful lady has a beautiful heart.
Big gangster: Sorry. Ignore what he said.
Eliza: Never mind!
Big gangster: Thanks! I want to go to Tunghai University. Do you know how can I get there?
Eliza: Oh… you should go straight until the traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left. Keep going straight and you would see the university.
Big gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, turn right and we will see a supermarket at the end of the street. And…
Eliza: No! No! No! Go straight until the traffic light, then turn right until you see a convenience store at the corner and turn left. Keep going straight and you would see the university.
Small gangster: Go straight until the first traffic light, then turn left and go straight to the end of the street, then we can see the university.
Eliza: Oh, my! No! Wrong again! You two are really a stupid guy.
Big gangster: It’s too complex. I can’t remember all the directions. I’m a foreigner. And I have an important presentation there. Could you go with us, guide us there? Please~
Eliza was confused. But she is a kind person and she likes to help people.
Eliza: Umm… let me think… okay!! Let’s go!
Small gangster: How kind of you!! My little girl.
Big gangster: Sorry. Just ignore him. Thank for your help.
Eliza goes with the gangsters.
In the gangsters’ car, the small gangster suddenly shows a sharp knife. And shouts, “Don’t move!” Eliza is shocked and starts screaming.
Eliza: What are you doing?
Small gangster: I’m kidnapping you!
Eliza: Oh~ I am so scared.
Small gangster: (Talk to the big gangster.) Did you hear that, she is scared?
Big gangster: Ya~ we are professional.
Eliza: Not funny! I’m hungry. I want to go home! I want to go home!
Small gangster: Shut up. Don’t be so noisy!
Eliza keeps crying.
Small gangster: You! Get out of the car!
Big gangster: (Hit the small gangster angrily!) Idiot! I have a stupid partner. (Disappointed)
Eliza: I agree! (Nod head.)
Big gangster: Don’t cry baby, I give you a lollipop.
Eliza: Thank you. How kind of you.
SCENE III
Mother is preparing dinner.
Mom: Eliza! Eliza! Time for dinner! I’m hungry! Hurry up!
No one answers her. And she realizes there is something wrong.
Mom: Eliza, where are you? Don’t play hide and seek w
ith me! It’s not funny. I’m hungry.
As the mother is finding her daughter, the phone rings.
Mom: Hello~ this is Anderson. I’m busy finding my daughter. Don’t bother me!
Big gangster: Are you finding your daughter? Ha! Ha! Ha… she is right here.
Mom: Good job! Tell her it’s time for dinner. I’m hungry!
Big gangster: Hey! You are clueless. I have already kidnapped your daughter, Eliza Anderson!
Mom: Hey! Buddy! Don’t trick me!
Big gangster: Sure! Listen! (The gangster takes the phone to Eliza.)
Eliza: Hello! Mom! I’m here! They are so kind. They gave me a lollipop.
The gangster takes the phone away.
Big gangster: Do you believe me now? If you want your daughter to come back for dinner. You have to prepare the ransom of NT $ 20,000,000.
Mom: Too expensive! 20% off.
Big gangster: Are you buying clothes?
Mom: Bargain is my hobby.
Big gangster: No negotiation you should bring the ransom to Tunghai Lake at 8:00 pm. And remember don’t call the cop. Or you will find your daughter in the lake.
Mom: O.K. See you then!
At Tunghai Lake. The gangsters and Eliza are baking fish from the lake because they are hungry. At this time, the mother is coming.
Mom: Ha! (Mom shouts.)
The gangsters and Eliza are shocked. And the small gangster’s fish is falling down on the floor.
Small gangster: Oh,! My fish! Who’s there?
Mom: It’s me, Bunny Anderson, Eliza’s mother, Anderson’s wife. Where is my daughter? Release my daughter.
Eliza: Hi! Mom, I’m here. Do you want to come here to eat fish?
Big gangster: Where is the ransom?
Mom: Release my daughter first!
Big gangster: Give me the ransom first!
Mom: No way!
And the battle begins.
Mom: Justice is always the winner.
Eliza: Oh~ Yeah! Mom, you win!
Celine: Ha! I got it! I got it! A new…… headline.
Celine: I am at Tunghai Lake. Earlier, there was a violent fighting. A watermelon knife V.S. A B.B.Q. fork. According to the witnesses, a mother fought with the gangsters for her daughter. And the mother won. Now, let’s interview the persons involved.
Celine: Do you feel regretful? Do you feel sorry to this society?
Small gangster: I……
Celine: I…… I know. You are very sorry and regretful. How about you? (Turn to the big gangster.)
Big gangster: None of your business. (Run to the wall.) Leave me alone.
Eliza: Me! Me!
Celine: What do you want to say?
Eliza: Uh…My mom is so cool. She came to save me!
Mom: My turn. My turn.
Celine: O.K. O.K. What do you want to say after winning the fight?
Mom: Well……
Celine: Well, you are very happy and proud of yourself to be the winner in the battle.
Mom: Yes. And the gangsters…
Celine: Oh, the gangsters are very stupid and silly.
Mom: Right. And they…
Celine: They want to trick you, but…
Mom: But… enough. I’m hungry. I want to go home with my daughter.
Celine: Next time, if you receive a phone call from a scam artist, here are the things you can do to avoid being tricked. First, stay clam and be skeptical about it. The caller hopes to fool you with a moving story, causing you to forget your good judgment. A little doubt can protect you. Second, verify the story. Call the organization to make sure the story is true. Third, report it to the police. And don’t deal with the villains on your own. One phone call will often expose a trap quickly. However, to tell the truth, the mother is really very brave. She is my idol. I want to keep her sign. This is reporter Celine reporting from Tunghia Lake for TVAS.
《出租车司机》英语话剧剧本
一天出租车司机Tommy遇到了很多奇怪的事情。烦人的女孩、孕妇、抢匪、不管事的警察，甚至还遇到了鬼。。。
Cast
Erin Chang: Robber
Debby Tsai: Police officer
Serrin Lee: Betel nut girl
Alec Zhao: Ghost student
Leo Lee: Taxi driver
Yi-ling Chen: Pregnant woman
—————————————————————————
Summary
This story talks about a poor taxi driver, Tommy, who meets many strange things in one day. First, he carries a Betel Nut Girl who wants to harass him. Second, a pregnant woman makes him feel nervous. Third, he carries a robber and meets a police officer who only manages traffic. At last, he carries a ghost student.
Tommy: Hello, my name is Tommy. Serving you is my honor. Where would you like to go?
Betel nut girl: Hi! Tommy. I’m going to Chong-Shan North Road, please.
Tommy: Ok, Chong-Shan North Road, no problem. Um? I remember there’s only a Chong-Shan East Road. Miss, are you sure you’re going to Chong-Shan North Road?
Betel nut girl: Um, I’m not sure. You just drive. Maybe I will remember where it is later.
Betel nut girl: How old are you? Are you married? You’re probably not married since you’re so young. Do you have a girlfriend?
Tommy: Um…miss, we are almost at Chong-Shan East Road. Do you want to have a look?
Betel nut girl: Oh! Not here. By the way, don’t you feel tired after driving all day long? Maybe I can help you relax.
Tommy: What…what do you want to do? Take your hands off me or I’ll scream!
Betel nut girl: I did nothing! You just missed a nice chance. Stop the car, I want to get off.
Tommy: (Relived) Great! The total is 155 dollars, Thank you.
Betel nut girl: Um! Take it!
Pregnant woman: Hey! Taxi!
Pregnant woman: Thanks. You are real a very kind man.
Tommy: Where are you going?
Pregnant woman: Hospital, please.
Tommy: You’re going to the prenatal checkup, right? It must be very tiring carrying a baby.
Pregnant woman: Yeah. It’s almost nine months.
Tommy: Woo. Congratulations.
Pregnant woman: Thank you.
Pregnant woman: (screaming)
Tommy: Are you ok?
Pregnant woman: (screaming)
Tommy: Is it time now? Are you going to deliver your baby now? I will drive as fast as I can. Stay down.
Pregnant woman: (screaming)
Tommy: We’re almost there.
Pregnant woman: (screaming)
Tommy: Here we are.
Pregnant woman: Are we at the hospital? Well, how much is it?
Tommy: Aren’t you going into labor?
Pregnant woman: Me? Are you kidding? It’s still a long time before the expected date of childbirth.
Tommy: What? Well, what were you just doing?
Pregnant woman: Oh, I was just practicing! This is my first time to have a baby, you know. Practice makes perfect! I need to be ready so it will go smoothly.
Tommy: Practice! All right… well, the total is one hundred twenty dollars.
Tommy: This woman was so strange! I thought she was going to deliver the baby in my car!
Robber: Get out of here, quickly!
Tommy: A strange pregnant woman just got off my car and now here comes a robber.
Tommy: Where do you want to go?
Robber: Shut up! Just drive!
Tommy: Hey…Hey. Be careful, there’s no eye in bullets.
Robber: Shut up! Just drive your car.
Tommy: Ok! Ok! You are the boss.
Robber: Hum…your gold necklace is very good looking. If it were on my neck, that would be nice.
Tommy: Oh…com…come on, don’t do this to me. This is a fake one. I just try to look tough by wearing it.
Robber: STOP nonsense!! Don’t treat me like a fool, I warn you! I will shoot you!
Tommy: OK! OK! Take it easy. My mouth is sealed.
Robber: …. I don’t want to do this …really… but I have 6 brothers, 7 sisters and 8 kids to feed. I even have to sell chewing gums, raise pigs. The worse of all, my husband just got out of the jail…I really have no choice.
Tommy: Don’t be so sad…. Here is tissue.
Robber: Thank you. Now give me your gold necklace! Hurry up! Do you want to eat bullets!!
Tommy: But…but…but….
Robber: Just hand it to me or I’ll become a really bad guy!!
Tommy: I don’t want to die yet.
The police: Beep~Beep~ stop the car.
Tommy: OH! Thank God! I am safe now! Hey, cop, a robber wants to rob me and….
Police officer: Show me your license and registration.
Tommy: But…sir.…I got a robber in my back….
Police officer: I only watch out for traffic! The public security is not my business.
Tommy: Not your business? But…
Police officer: Here’s your ticket. You were speeding.
Tommy: But I got a robber in my car! She told me if I couldn’t drive fast enough, she’d shoot me.
Police officer: And where is the robber?
Tommy: Just right over….what!! She’s gone; she was here just now….
p>Police officer: See….your lie is stupid… Remember to take the ticket.
Tommy: Sir! Sir!
Tommy: I’m so unlucky. Today is not my day! Oh, no! How did I come to this middle-of-nowhere? Someone’s waving at me. Who would take a taxi in this strange place?
Tommy: Hello! Serving you is my honor. Where do you want to go? Ghost student: To my home, please.
Tommy: Um…can you say it more clearly? I don’t know where your home is.
Ghost student: Oh, my home is located on Ta-Du Mountain.
Tommy: No problem. Um… it’s an unusual place to live.
Ghost student: Yes. It’s very special. My ancestors all lived here.
Tommy: Oh! You’ve lived here for a long time, right?
Ghost student: That’s right.
Tommy: Here we are, but I don’t see any houses around. By the way, it’s so dark here.
Ghost student: Don’t be so surprised. We’re in the mountain.
Tommy: Are you sure your home is here?
Ghost student: Yes. How much is it?
Tommy: Um…The total is 100 dollars.
Ghost student: I only have a 500 dollars bill.
Tommy: That’s OK, I can give you change.
Ghost student: There you go.
Tommy: Um… What’s this?
Ghost student: Money.
Tommy: But…where did he go? Oh, no!…This is…ghost money…(screaming)
The Rolling Orange英语话剧剧本
很有趣的4人话剧，讲述桔子的故事。一天早上，桔子一家醒来，发现人们开着卡车，搬着梯子，来摘桔子了，快来看看他们的命运如何吧。
人物
Tom: Father Orange
Klye: Mother Orange
Wallis: Older Sister Orange
Jessie: Little Brother Orange
Characters
Father Orange: He is a middle-aged, considerate, and thoughtful man.
Mother Orange: She is a younger and more youthful woman than Father. She is also very optimistic.
Older Sister Orange: She is young , energetic, and competitive .
Little Brother Orange: He is the youngest and, therefore, a little spoiled.
SCENE I
One Morning in an Orange Orchard.
(Today is a sunny day . An orange family is discussing nervously about something on an orange tree in an orchard. )
Father: I was awakened early this morning by the sound of trucks in the field (yawning).
Mother: Well, it wasn’t the first time to be like this.
Sister: A whole bunch of strange men was brought in by trucks.
Brother: That really scared me. They got out and started to climb up ladders.
Sister: (Afraid suddenly) Oh! My friends were grabbed and put into large bags. I could hear them yell for help.
Father: Hey! We shouldn’t look at them; otherwise, they’ll notice us.
Mother: But it’s useless.
Sister: Oh, God! We’re discovered!
Brother: Oh! We’re being grabbed and pulled from our branches. What will we do for food and water?
Sister: It will be so uncomfortable going to town in that bag with a lot of strangers.
Mother: Well, we’ll just have to do our best.
Father: Yeah!
SCENE II
On a Fruit Stand.
(After having been on the road in a bag for half an hour, they are placed on a fruit stand. )
Sister: Gee! This place is so cold and desolate. I wish we had our friends here on this stand (looks at the opposite fruit stall).
Brother: I tried to make friends with these people on our way here, but everyone looked pretty uncomfortable and scared.
(Suddenly)
Sister: Oh! Mother! How could they do that?
Mother: What are you talking about?
Brother: I know what she’s talking about (Brother turns to look).
Father: What did you see?
Sister: My friends were cut up and eaten. How could they do that? I’m so scared.
Father: Now, children, be calm.
Mother: Sh~ Someone’s coming.
Father: Try to be quiet.
Sister: I don’t want to be taken away.
Brother: Oh! My friend’s being taken away.
Sister: Your friend looks so fat.
Mother: If we look sour, maybe we won’t be taken away.
Brother: That’s a bright idea. But how could we look sour?
Mother: Now, children, stop being scared and calm down.
Father: Oh! No! I’m being looked at.
Mother: I told you not to eat so much. Now you look so fat and juicy.
(Father is being taken away.)
Brother: Oh, no, Dad!
Father: (Sadly) Good bye, children.
Sister: Oh! Dad’s being put into the basket and taken away.
Mother: Oh, no!
Brother: Stop that. Our father can’t be taken away.
Mother: Look, he’s being bagged and put into a cart.
Sister: Hey! The cart’s wheels are going out of the store.
Brother: A car’s pulling up.
Mother: Oh, no! His bag is being picked up.
Sister: But it’s breaking. And Dad’s falling out.
Brother: Dad’s rolling away.
All: (Jumping up and down cheering) ROLL! ROLL! He’s getting away.
Sister & Brother: Yip! Yip! Hurray for Dad!
Mother: Oh! Thank God.
搞笑英语话剧剧本《西门吹雪与叶孤城》
演员表：
西门吹雪
叶孤城
花满楼
king
旁白
道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。
第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠
旁白：A quiet villageiscoveredwithwhitesnow .
Birdsaredancinginthecold .
Amaniswalkingalongthestreet ,stepbystep .
Windiscominginsilence.
Another mysteriousmanapproaches .
Y与X相遇．
X：oH ,Iamsorrytoknockyou !
Y:Haha, Nevermindbaybay.
X:Excuseme， whoareyouonearth? couldyoutellmeyourname?
Y:ha ha ,Iwon’tchangemyname! nomatterwhathappens. I’mthemostfamous——-YeGucheng. Whoareyou?
X:Iamximenchuixue.
Y惊讶:Ar, ximenchui xue?
X:Yes,whatiswrong?
Y:IheardthatyouarethebestingMartialArts?
X:Great, youknowme !
Y抱腿：Please, please…… Don’tkillme! letmeyougo!
X:No, Imustkillyou !
Y:Idon””””””””twanttobekilled.Thereare aeighty-year-oldmotheandathree-yearold sontobelookedafterbyme!
X:Noway! Becausewearefightingnow!youknow?
Y突然站起冷冷的说：Don””””””””t forceme!
X:Pardon!
(Y拿出一袋牛奶)
X抢过牛奶:milk, verygood! Ilikedrinkingit. howdoyouknowthat?
Y:pleasedrinkit!
X喝完牛奶:Thanks, ha,ha
Y:Doyoustillwanttokillme?
X:Sure, must! milkismilk.
Y(恼怒+冷酷):Verygood! verygood! Ihopeyouwillnotforgetwhatyousaid!?
X:I’msureIwon’t!
Y:Imustgiveyoualesson!IfIdon””””””””tbeatyourthistime, you’llneverbehaveproperly!3-2-1-0!
X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach !
Y大笑：HaHa……
X可怜状: help! help! Whereisthewashroom?
Y:What ?
X:Toliet?
Y:What ?
X:The “WC”?
Y:Oh,I see ,goalongthisstreetandturnrightwhenyouseeacorssingroad!
X:Thanks,byebye.
Y掏出纸屑吹:Thisisgenuirnesnow!
H:Stop!Protectingtheenvironmentisabasicobligation!
Y:Whoareyou?
H:Hua—man—-lou! Haveyouseenximenchuixue?
Y:Yes, hewasbeatenbymeandisin“WC” now,ha……
H惊讶:Nowyouarethebestintheworld!
Y:Youareright!
H:Teriffic!youaretheonemykinglookingfor! doyouwantjoininus?
Y:Yes,It’sverygood.
H:Ok, followme, Let’sgotoseemyking!
Y:Ok,Let’s go!
第二幕：无间道
H:Mydearest ! letmeintroduce yeguchengtoyou! （指Y） thisisyegucheng.
K:sitdownplese, yegucheng.
H走到Y前，《婚礼进行曲》起，H神甫状:Yegucheng! Doyouwanttofollowmykingnomatterwhathappenssuchascold headache,sair and aids?
Y: Yes,Ido.
K: Huamanlou, come . puttheringonhisfinger!（音乐停）
X唱着上:Onlyyou……(看到戒子) thisringshouldbemine!
K:Butwhoareyou? whyshoulditbelongyou?
Y急切: king! dearking!Imustgonow,mybrotherislookingforme!huoxi(维语再见)
K:huoxi? Whatdoesthatmean? ItisnotEnglish, isn’t it ?
Y:How clever……
X冷酷:yegucheng! comehere!Iwanttotellyousomething!
Y抱X的腿:oldbrother ! Forgiveme!
X:Forgiveme? Why?
Y: Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit. Ifthegodgivemeantherchance, I’lltellyou“I love you”,Iftheremustbea limited period,Ihopeitisthousandyear!
X:Youshall cheat me!all you did are wrong!how can youtell thelady’s“WC”!
Y:Ilikegoinglady’s WC .I……I……IthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.(Ｙ又拿出一袋牛奶)
X: m-i-l-k?haha, ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)
K: ayixidailu?What’sthemeaning? whyIalsocan’tunderstandyou?
X:Youarestupid! Itmeans“I love you”.
K:Don’t saythat“you love me”. I’llkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!
X:What? (侧耳装着听不到) You—kill—-me?come, come…(Ｘ上去抓住K)
K:Fuckyou. Imustkillyou!
X:Howcanyoukillme? haha……
Y:Letmehaveatry! 3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)
K: thankyouverymuch, yousaveme. Now, I’llgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyou
haveavacation.
Y:That’s good. butthereisonemorething. canyougivemea MM ?IwanttogoAmericanwithher.
K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme! Hahaha……
Y:Hahaha—–
H:Where’ssomewhere?
K:What?
Y:Doyouwanttogolady’s“WC”?
X:Yes,I……I…… do.
H顶着摇头：X,no, no， youcan’tgotoLady’s “WC”. Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo ! becauseyouareX ! youarethe bestmanofChinesekongfu!
X: whatifI’mthebestintheword? !whyItrymybesttolivebutI’mstillsomiserable ? whencanIgetmyfreedom? mustbethedeadday ? !
K: youareright. onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie. Inthatcase ,whywill you die in such a bad sorrow way !gointo theLady’s WC , thendie , comfortablly ! goahead !
H: you , stupid , bad behavior ! goaway !
K; why ? whydoyouhelphim ! whoacturallyareyou ?
H: myreal name isLuXiaofeng——the wifeofX .I’maspy.
K惊讶: !you—you—YouareLuXiaofeng ? X’wife ?
Y: Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou . atricker ! doyouknow, youarethefirst person who cheated me ! because of you ,Ideeide never believe anyone else ,including myself .you have destroyed my looking for you for many years ,just for today ! (轻声说)Ｘwilldie ,goandseehim ,please .
H扑倒在Ｘ的身边：Ｘ,do’t die ,you should be alive ,there are much hope inthe fature and tomorrow is a goodbeginning !
K:what amoving story !I was impressed !
Y:life is a progress ,but it is depressed that it can not resume !
H: life isa progress ,and it is delight that itneedn’t resume !
(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，Ｋ吓跑.音乐《再见，警察》起)
Y痛苦状:don’tleave me here , you know I love you and I have nothing except you now ,please notabandon me !realizethat I’m wrong .help me,I intend to be back ,helpme ,I keyyou ,beg you——help me . I’ll never dothat again !(Y死，音乐停)
（X咳，H扑到身边，电影《我的父亲母亲》原声音乐起）
H: X , oh , no ,you can’t die ,we will go home together .
X:gohome ! ?
H:Tomorrow is another day !evenyou have thelast secondto live,youshould be alive ,not only for me , but for ourlove !
X:doyouwant melivealifeinsuchasorrow way ? ok , ok , Ipromise I willbealive for you .but !youknow, Ihavenot timeleft ,but you have ,promisethatyou will be happy everyday !Youmustdome this honor… promise meyou will survive… that youwillnevergiveup… nomatter what happens… no matter howhopeless… promise me now ,andnever let go of that promise.
H: I promise .
X:Never let go .
H:Ipromise . Iwill never let go ,
X.I””””ll never letgo.(X死)
H:be alive !yeah , bealive ! bealivewithout ahendance !lifecanbechanceliketimecangotoback . thereisbeatifulsnowbutinsping , solifecancomefromthebeginning ! （H自刎，艰难的爬到X身边死.音乐停。）
荆珂刺秦王搞笑英语话剧剧本
荆珂刺秦王
Emperor and the Assassin
旁白(Aside )/介绍（Introduction）： Long ago there was a crazy country, in this crazy country there were some crazy people, trying to show the crazy history by crazy ways. Mr Jingke was the most famous swordsman and was sent to kill king of Qing, “Yingzheng”. But finally he failed. Do you want to know what happened at that time? Okay, next show will tell you the truth.
Action I
太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：Mirror, mirror, tell me, who is the most pretty man in the world? (画外音：It’s you, Prince Dan! 太子丹高兴状) Thank u mirror! （面对观众） I’m Prince Dan, the magic mirror said I am the most attractive man in the world. But Ying Zheng is a jealous guy, I feel he will kill me if mirror told him the truth. I am so scared. So what can I do? (向幕里大叫) Where is my minister?
阿三(毕恭毕敬) : Honey, I am coming.
太子丹：I’ve told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful、graceful 、handsome、charming、cute、smart and dearest Prince Dan”!
阿三：Sure, honey! I have a good idea. We can find a hero to kill YingZheng~~~（作杀状）
太子：Oh yeah~~~. What is the most expensive commodity in this century? Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状） Good idea! But who is the right candidate?
阿三：After screening I have two promising persons on hand. One is Miss LiMoChou, the other is Mr JinKe. Tomorrow they will PK for the NO1 killer of the world.
太子：Well, show me the winner as soon as possible, OK?
阿三：Yes.
Action II
（《十面埋伏》中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）
荆轲
Are you Li mochou?
李莫愁
Yes.
荆轲
OK. I’m Jingke, you know, I will let you know I am the king of the killers’ world.
李莫愁
Are you challenging me?
荆轲
Off course! 耸耸肩表示同意
李莫愁
Come on!
音乐起
两人冲上前来
“人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，两刀砍死你啊。。。。”
李莫愁倒地
荆轲大笑
李莫愁痛苦状：What happened? Why aren’t you hurt?
荆轲: We don’t need any reason to win a person. Don’t we? Do we? （赢一个人需要理由么，不需要么，需要么？）
李莫愁：Momma always said: “Life is like a box of chocolates, Mochou. You never know what you’re gonna get.” I got it, Momma is right.
荆轲再次大笑
太子丹上（抱拳）：How are you?
荆柯：Fine, thank you, and you?
太子丹：Oh my God! Could you give me an innovative answer to “How are you”?
荆柯：Sure!
太子丹：How are you?
荆柯：Fine, thank you, and your wife?
太子丹晕倒
荆柯：Hey, man, I’m kidding!
太子丹：Oh, I’m kidding too!（毕恭毕敬）May I have your name card, please?
荆轲从兜里掏出一卷纸，上面写着：
To be or not to be, that’s a question.
阿三：Hero，we need your help.
荆柯：I am busy now!
太子丹：You can get a lot of money.
荆柯：I am very busy now!
阿三：IC, ID, IQ card?
荆柯：I am very very busy now!
阿三(手指上场的美女，激动状): Look! She is the most beautiful girl in the world. If you say O.K., she is yours.
荆柯（流口水）：I have to say she is a very sexy and beautiful girl, but TCM is my only love!
阿三：What? What’s the TCM?
荆柯; Hey, guy! You look so smart but why you didn’t know TCM? Any of them can give you the answer.
阿三：Excuse me? What’s the TCM?
观众甲：TCM – Traditional Chinese MM .
太子丹：I must show you the trump card. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Lipton Slimming tea. It is a brand new product of Unilever China.
荆柯（激动）：Slimming tea! I have dreamed of it for thousands of times. My wife always threatens to leave me if I couldn’t reduce my weight.
阿三：You want? Speak up if you want! Why do you keep silent? Why are you looking at me? Although your eyes are full of sincerity, I’m very glad, you still have to speak up. Take it! Do you really like? Really?你不是真的想要吧？难道你真的想要吗……
（《No matter》音乐起，荆轲先与阿三跳探戈，拥入怀中，又甩出去，阿三做呕吐状。然后荆轲与太子丹跳伦巴，最后太子丹摆一个女性化的造型，向后弯腰并抬其中一条腿，荆轲做调戏状。）
荆柯(诚恳状) Just tell me
what should I do? I will do anything for you.
太子丹与阿三（撞胯，击掌）Yeah!
Action Ш
（《大话西游》主题曲响起）
荆珂挽着妻子，太子丹,阿三在后.
阿三：Hero, we have already reached Yishui River.
荆珂：Just stop here, please. Farewell, my friends
太子丹：I will miss you, baby.
（太子丹，阿三下。停顿。《泰坦尼克号》主题曲起，荆轲与妻子做Jack和rose在船头的经典造型，忽然荆轲看到一个美女——此时一个中国古典美女经过，向荆轲抛媚眼，并抛下定情手绢。荆轲高兴的盯着美女看，妻子发觉不对，扭过头来。）
荆珂（急忙收敛）：Darling, I love you.
妻子：I love you! You mean more to me than anything in this whole world!（《肖申克的救赎》）
荆珂(流泪) ：I love you more. In spite of you and me and the whole silly world going to pieces around us, I love you. (哪怕是世界末日我都会爱着你，选自《飘》)
妻子：Well. Be a man, just do it! I will be right here waiting for you.
荆珂（欲走还留，执子之手又曰）：Sweetheart! You must do me this honor… promise me you will survive… that you will never give up… no matter what happens… no matter how hopeless… promise me now, and never let go of that promise（泰坦尼克号沉船时，Jack对Rose的倾诉）.
妻子:”I promise.”
荆轲:”Never let go. “
妻子:”I promise. I will never let go, Jack. I’ll never let go.”
（荆轲的发音和jack很像，所以加了一些《泰坦尼克号》的台词。）
妻子努力挤出几滴眼泪，
荆珂上船，渐渐远去
妻子：It’s a good day to die. Never come back. Never…… Never……
妻子(掏出手机拨号，阿三接手机)： Thank you very much. As soon as I get the life assurance $1000, 000, I will transfer half of it, $500,000 to your account.
阿三：Okay okay!
旁白：Then Jingke was sent to Qin and finally killed by Yingzheng.
The End
《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）
Wanderseveryfivemiles
焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)
焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)
太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)
Prologue
(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy
wifeisWuSong.
(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
(内砸出一脸盆,Ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,
smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender
thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)
Act1
(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)
JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!
(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?
L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?
JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
dearestmother-in-law”.
L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so
lazy……
L:But……
JM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
and……
JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour
son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)
Act2
(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)
L:Mum,I’mback!
LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?
L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.
LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouinsistedon
marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten
tome.Lookatyourself……
L:But,mum……
LM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And
I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.
LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter
Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo
andtellhim.(下)
L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅
铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)
Act3
(J睡眼惺忪上)
J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下) Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!
(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围
裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Now
shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.
JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?
J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!
JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice
girl,goandtakeherback!
J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!
Act4
(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)
A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)
B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet—(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)
AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!
J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出１角硬币):Is1maoenough?
(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)
A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!
B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!
C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand
robthewedding!
A&B:Goodidea!
J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!
AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!
J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!
(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgo
withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.
B:Haveyougotanyexperience?
J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄１，０００，０００)
Act5
(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)
(J和三强盗跃至台中)
ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!
B:AndIplantedonetree.
C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet—
J:Giveusallyourmoney!
(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)
L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)
(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)
J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向MS冲去）
(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)
(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)
J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?
L(哭状):Ihurtalot!
J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)
L(起身去追):Waitforme! (跑下)
(音乐起 CanYouCelebrate)
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