1、Good use of cry 哭的妙用
The parents with their three-year-old son went to see film.
When they walked into the cinema, the attendant said to them,
“you’ll have to go out if your son cries. But we’ll refund
you the tickets.” About half an hour later, the husband
asked his wife, “What do you think of the film?”
“I’ve never seen such a boring film.” His wife answered.
“It’s not worth seeing.”
“I don’t think much of it, either.” The husband said.
“Wake the child up and let him cry.”
一对夫妇带着他们3岁的儿子去看电影。进电影院时，服务员对他们说：“如果你们的儿子哭了，你们就得出去。不过我们会给你们退票的。”大约半个小时以后，丈夫对妻子说：“你觉得这电影怎么样？”“我从没看过这么没劲的电影。”妻子回答说，“真不值得看。”“我也不喜欢看。”丈夫说：“叫醒孩子，让他哭。”
2、What a Smart Wife家有笨妻
A newly married woman was sitting on a chair,
looking vexed, when her husband came home.
"What's up? Why do you look so troubled?"
the husband asked. The woman replied,
"I'm so sorry. I was ironing your new suit and
burned a hole in your trousers." And the man said,
"That's all right. I have another pair that is exactly the same."
"Thank God you do. I used it to mend this pair,"
the wife responded.
有一个刚结婚的太太，坐在椅子那边，看起来很懊恼，她先生回家看到她这个样子，就问：‘嗨，你怎么啦？为什么看起来这么懊恼呢？’太太说：‘很抱歉，你那件新做的西装裤被我烫坏了，烫成一个洞了。’他先生说：‘啊！那个没关系啦！我还有另外一件一样的裤子。’
她说：‘是啊，还好我把那件新的拿出来补那件被我烫坏的。’
3、Endearing terms
英语幽默故事:可爱的称呼
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
Bernie应邀来到他的朋友Morris家吃晚餐。在朋友家，Bernie发现，不管问他老婆什么问题，Morris总要在每句话的前面加上一些亲密的称呼，象蜜糖，我的爱人，亲爱的，甜心等等。Bernie对Morris说，“你们夫妻俩真够亲密的，结婚这么多年了，你还叫她叫得那么亲密。”Morris低下头，小声地对Bernie说，“老实跟你说吧，三年前我忘记老婆的真名是什么了。”
4、Are you a normal person？你是正常人吗？
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director ..., "What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?" "Well..." said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." "Noooooooo!" answered the director. "A normal person would pull the plug."
参观一所精神病院的时候一个参观者问院长，“你们是用什么标准来决定一个人是否应该被关进精神病院呢？” “呃… …”院长说，“是这样，我们先给一个浴缸放满水，然后我们给病人一个调茶匙，一个茶杯和一个水桶去把浴缸里面的水放清。” “噢，我明白了”， 参观者说。“一个正常人会选择水桶， 因为水桶比茶匙，茶杯的体积大。” “错了”，“院长回答”“正常人会把浴缸塞子拔掉”。
5、英文幽默老虎来了
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them.
One of the guys takes out a pair of "Nikes" from his bag and starts to put them on. The other guy with a surprised look and exclaims, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replies: "I don't have to out run it, I just have to run faster than you."
两个男人正在穿过丛林，突然，一只老虎出现在远处，向他们冲来。
其中的一个人从包里拿出一双“耐克”鞋，开始穿上。另一个人惊奇地看着他说，“你以为穿上这个就可以跑得过老虎吗？”
他的朋友回答道：“我不用跑得过它，我只要跑得比你快就行了。”
6、Another 40 Years to live
再活40年
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live." Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, lip-suction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it. She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years? "God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
一名中年妇女心脏病突发被送到了医院， 在手术台上，濒临死亡之际，她看到了上帝， 于是，她问上帝是不是她的日子到头了。 上帝回答说，“还没有，你还能活43年，2个月零8天。” 身体快要康复的时候，这名女士想到自己还要活那么多年，得好好对待自己，于是决定先不出院，而是去给自己整整容，吸吸脂，隆隆胸，然后还做了一个腹部拉皮和其它一些美容美体手术。 她甚至还请人到医院里面帮她头发给染了。 做完最后一个手术，这位女士出院了， 但就在过马路的时候，她被一辆风驰电挚赶回医院的救护车给撞死了。 再一次，她又站到了上帝的面前，她大惑不解地问上帝，“我记得你说我还能再活40年？” 上帝回答，“那个时候我没认出你来”。
一、 Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.""Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said. 在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。
二、 "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. ""Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, ""Umm...How much for a season pass?""女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。""不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？""这时人群中一个男同学问道，""那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"""
三、 Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed?” Student：“I know，I know.At the bottom of the page.”《独立宣言》是在哪儿签字的？老师：“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的？”学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。”
四、 "A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”"
五、 "Wedding night, husband deep feeling of say to the wife:""Dear of, I love you, I swear hereafter can't certainly do a sorry your business, if I do, certainly encountering for a day, the thunderclap splits, don't die a natural death!""Newly married but soon, the husband made a sorry cuckoldry matter. On the first, the husband goes out by boat, being the ship drove up to ocean middle, suddenly strong breeze your work, seeing the ship will sink right away, at this time, the husband towards the sky to scold a way loudly""old day, whether you becomes blind or not, I do a sorry cuckoldry matter, you let I a person die like, why harm" "so many innocent peoples to also want to die.""At this time, hears spread a deep and low" voice in out of t "he sky:""You think I am all dry" "all day long what, I" "am very not easy to wait until today just chase your se people concentrated together!""新婚之夜，丈夫深情的对妻子说：“亲爱的，我爱你，我发誓以后一定不会做出对不起你的事，要是我做了，定遭天打雷劈，不得好死！”可是新婚不久，丈夫就作出了对不起妻子的事。 一日，丈夫乘船外出，当船驶到大海中间" 时 ，突 然狂 风 大作，眼看船 马上就 要沉 没了 ，这时， 丈 夫大 声对着天空 骂道“ 老天 ，你是不是瞎了眼了，我做了对不起妻子的事，你让我一个人去死就好了 ，为什么害 这么多无辜的人也要死啊。” 这时，只听见半空中传来一声低沉的声音：“你以为我整天都干什么啊，我好不容易等到今天才把你们这些人集中在一起来的！”
六、 "One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."一天，一位大学心理学教授向他的新生们问候。他站在学生们的面前说：“如果哪位同学认为自己傻，就请站起来。” 大约过了一分钟，一位年轻人站了起来。教授说：“嗨，你好。你真的认为自己是个低能儿么？” 这个孩子回答道：“不是的，先生，我只是不忍心看着只有你自己站在这里。”"
七、 "wipe glass Father entered the son's room, praise, way: well done, son! The window and clean and bright, you are using soap water wipe? Son: no, dad, I am using a sledgehammer.父亲走进儿子的房间，夸奖道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？ 儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子。"
八、 "顺便说一个：你可以对你的MM说我要测测你的英语反应能力，伸出左手，对她说：“我点拇指是A，食指是C，中指是M，无名指是S,小指是X”，然后说，为了增加难度，我会用中文干扰你。然后，你指中指说鱼，她会说m，你指无名指说驴，她会说S，然后在指拇指说猪，她会说A,然后一直点拇指说猪，她会一直说：A,A,A,A,A,A,如果MM聪明，可以多试其他的手指之后再说拇指。"
九、 问：26个字母去掉e和t还剩几个字母？ 答：24个呀 问：错！！！ 答：为什么呀？ 问：21个，因为ET是坐UFO走的
十、 "I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us atthe time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，""And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?""在陪儿" 子上幼儿园的第一天，我想打扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣，她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我 们住在一起。我们有 约在先，不经过对方的同意不能拿 别人的东西。但那时她仍 在睡觉。于是，我从她的衣拒里轻径拿走几条短裤和一件村衣，本想趁她没醒来时再放回去。让我吃惊的是，当我送儿子去幼儿园回来后，妹妹已经醒了。但她没说衣服的事儿。我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿园做自我介绍的情况。最后，妹妹笑着并不动声色地问:“吉森的老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉?”
十一、 Boy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" girl: "It's in the phone book." Boy: "But I don't know your name." girl: "That's in the phone book too." 男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少？女：在电话本上呢。男：可是我不知道你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。
十二、 One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ?”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug. “I can' t，dear.” She said.“I have to sleep in Daddy's room.”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4).”一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯，孩子声音颤抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗?”母亲笑着，拥抱一下小孩安慰说，“亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。”一阵长长的沉默之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“大胆小鬼。”
十三、 Two twins went to the kindergarten.“Who's the elder and who's the younger one?” asked a nurse. One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don't tell her.”两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。“你们两个谁大谁小?”保育员问。其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说，“哥哥，不要告诉她。”
十四、 Doctor：I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary. Patient：then send the bill to my father，please.医生：对你的抱怨我无能为力。。病人：那请你把账单给我父亲吧。
十五、 "Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him."Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.""Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time.""Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time.""Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。“你好，麦尔斯，”经理说。“我看到你在上班时间理发了。”“是的，先生。正是这样。”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。“不全都是吧，”经理立刻说，“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。”“对呀，先生，你说得很对。”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。”"
十六、 "Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year. Customer: Good gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.手相大师：你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。顾客：天哪，一年后？手相大师：是的，可是我不能说是哪一年。"
十七、 "If you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die. She refused him. Sixty years later, he died. 如果你不答应嫁给我，他发誓，我就要去死。六十年后，他死了。"
十八、 "Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙，那就更糟了。"
十九、 "I Have His Ear in My PocketI Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, ""What happened?""""A kid bit me,"" replied Ivan.""Would you recognize him if you saw him again?"" asked his mother.""I'd know him any where,"" said Ivan. ""I have his ear in my pocket.""他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”"
二十、 "Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着学校----慢行。"
二十一、 有个人刚学了点英语，就喜欢卖弄两下。有一天他去商店想买一支钢笔，对营业员说：“给我一个pen” 营业员拿了个盆给他， 他说：“no”营业员说：“漏？哪有漏？新进的货”
二十二、 有次房东问我did u eat anyting yet? 我说no.(没吃) 她听后重复了一遍so u didn't eat anyting. 我说yes...(吃了) 房东老太太犹豫了下，又问did u eat ?我说no.(没吃) 她接着说so u didn't eat .我说yes ......(吃了) 估计她当时要崩溃了
二十三、 "It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车.接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了.她的惯性使她接近了我的脚.我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来.她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”"
二十四、 "During the doctor's periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in return.When he left, my mother shook her head in disgust. "Can you imagine, " she said. "Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too!医生按期来探视我的老母。我告诉他母亲不几天就要庆祝她98岁的生日了。医生听了也很高兴，为此，他弯下腰来亲了她一下。然后他说不几天他也要庆祝自己的生日，并要求她还他一个吻。医生走后，我母亲厌恶地摇摇头。“你能想象吗，”她说，“付了他70元，我还得亲他！”"
二十五、 一周七天英语怎么说——星期一 【 忙day】； 星期二 【求死day】；星期三 【未死day】； 星期四 【受死day】； 星期五【福来day】； 星期六 【洒脱day】； 星期天【伤day】。
二十六、 ""Did the children behave when you bathed them?" inquired the mistress to the new French nurse, when she returned home from the party. "All but the biggest boy? We have only one boy, Freddy, and he's only two years old." "Which biggest boy? We have only one boy, Freddy, and he is only two years old." "It is not little Freddy, I mean. It is the big boy with glasses and curly hair." "Good gracious! That's not my boy, that's my husband." “你给孩子们洗澡的时候他们规矩不规矩？” 一位女士从宴会回家后对一名法国护士询问道。 “除了那个最大的男孩，其他表现都很好。在我把他放到水里之前，他又闹又踹。”护士回答道。 “哪个最大的男孩？我们只有一个男孩，弗雷德，他只有两岁。” “不是小弗雷德，我是说那个戴着眼镜卷头发的大男孩。”“老天，那不是我的孩子，那是我丈夫。”"
二十七、 "A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please, teacher, said a small boy, I've made someone glad yesterday.Well done. Who was that?My granny.Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ‘Granny, I'm going home,’ and she said, ‘Well, I'm glad’！一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在，孩子们，她说：你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？我，老师，一个小男孩说：昨天我就使别人高兴过。做得好，是谁" 呢？我奶奶。好孩子，现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她， 在她那儿呆了三个小 时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要 回家了。’她说：‘啊 ，我很高兴！’
二十八、 "The absent-minded professor shouted: "Kate, come to the blackboard!" Another student says, "Kate is absent, Professor." "Silent! Let Kate speak for herself."粗心的教授大声地喊道：“凯特，到黑板前面来！”另外一个学生说：“教授，凯特没来。”“别出声，让凯特自己讲。”"
二十九、 "When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.""Guess what, sir?"" the clerk said. ""I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!""""Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-*ed thing?"" the manager asked.""That's the one!""""That's great!"" the manager cried, ""I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.Why is your hand bandaged?""""Oh,"" the clerk replied, ""after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.""服装店经" 理吃完午餐回来，发现店员的手包上了绷带，没等他问，店员告诉他一个非常好的消息。 “猜猜看 发生什么事了，经理 。”店员说，“我终于把那套一直 压在这儿的难看透顶的西 装卖出去了！” “不是那件粉红带蓝条的双排扣套装吧！那套衣服实在太可怕了！” “就是那件。” “太棒了！”经理叫道，“我一直以为我们无法处理掉那件怪物了，那是我们有过最难看的西装。对了，你的手怎么上绷带了？” “哦，”店员说，“当我把那件西装卖给客人以后，他的导盲犬扑上来咬了我一口。”
三十、 "Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then.服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。哦，那给我那个打赢的吧。"
三十一、 "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." 史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。 这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。" 博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。""
三十二、 "A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.""All right, son,"" asked the father, ""What does that show you?""""Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.""一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。""所以，儿子啊，""父亲问道，""得出什么结论？""""恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"""
三十三、 "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined."You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"《律师、宝马和胳膊》一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”"
三十四、 The Multi-Purpose Fly Swatter (Originally in English) A mother came home from shopping for tea, and saw that some tea had already been made by her 15-year-old daughter. The mother then asked the daughter, "Did you use the tea strainer?" Because in England they use chopped tea leaves to make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to strain out the tea leaves, and then drink only the liquid. And the daughter said, "Yes, mother, I did filter the tea leaves. But I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter." The mother said, "Oh! My God! Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done t" "hat!" And the daughter said, "Oh mother, don't panic. It's just an old one. I" didn't use the new one." 母亲购物回来，想喝 点茶，发现她15岁的女 儿已经泡好茶了， 就问女儿：‘你用滤茶器了吗？’因为英国人用碎茶叶来泡茶， 所以要用滤茶器过滤出茶水来喝。女儿回答：‘妈，我有过滤， 但因为找不到滤茶器，所以就用苍蝇拍来过滤。’母亲听了就说： ‘噢！怎么搞的，你不能这样做啦！’女儿回答：‘妈，你不要紧张， 我 只是 用那 支 旧的苍蝇拍， 没有用 新的 那支 ！&rsqu o;< /p>
三十五、 "A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off." 一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。" 结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。""
三十六、 "A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms." 一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？" "恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！""
三十七、 某生与老外相遇，小碰撞了一下，某生曰：“I’m sorry！”老外：“I’m sorry，too。”某生：“I’m sorry，three”老外：“What are you sorry for？”某生：“I’m sorry five！”
三十八、 "The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!" 典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？”乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”"
三十九、 一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。 那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。”于是他开始打点行李。 一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊？？”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准！！咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头！”
四十、 "In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”"
四十一、 "A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”"
四十二、 34、 "在一张纸上写上你的大名 再在第一个字上面写大写英文M 左边写E,下面写W 在最后一个字右边写Q 下面写W,最后把英文字母用线条连接起来把你的名字包围起来"
四十三、 "Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " 鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”"
四十四、 "Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？"
四十五、 "round and round Lao wang rested under the tree, Lao li came up and said, "hey, why not go up the hill cutting wood?" Pharaoh said: "cut wood stem what?" Lao li said: "good money! Sold into money can buy a donkey, then along home door-to-door selling wood. Zheng money will buy trucks, and then buy wood factory sells wooden ware, buy more trucks, so that you can be really rich." The old king: "fortune"? Lao li answer: "fortune can be to free and unfettered freely do well." Pharaoh said, "that you think I doing now?" 周而复始 老王在树下休息，老李走过来对他说：“嗨，为什么不去上山砍柴？” 老王说：“砍柴干什么？” 老李说：“好卖钱啊。卖到钱就可以买驴，再沿家挨户卖柴。挣了钱就再 买卡车，然后买木厂卖木 器，再买更多的卡车，那样就可以发大财了。” 老王问：“发了财干什么？” 老李答：“发了财就可以逍遥自在地享清福嘛。” 老王说：“那你以为我现在在干什么？”"
四十六、 "without complain Two people eat together, only two fish, a great and a small. A first big eat, another flew into a rage. ""Not more suitable!"" He complains. ""How yao?"" Another asked. ""You ate that big, if I were you, I would not do so."" ""How would you like?"" ""Of course I is first eat small."" ""That good, you complained, the fish is still there! 俩个人一起吃饭，只有两条鱼，一大一小。一位先把大 的吃了，另一位勃然大怒。”多不合适！”他抱怨说。”怎 么了？”另一位问。”你吃掉了那条大的，如果我是你就不 会这样做。””你会怎 样呢？””我当然是先吃小的。”” 那好哇，你抱怨什么，那条小鱼不是还在那里吗！”"
四十七、 "Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving money.Wife: And now?Husband: Now I'm thinking About how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.丈夫：在娶你进门之前，我从来没有想过要存钱。妻子:那现在呢?丈夫：现在我在想，要是没有娶你的话，我可以存多少钱。"
四十八、 猪的英语拼写是PUG吧？ --不对，是PIG --不是吧，我怎么记得是U（YOU）呀 -你弄错了，是I --猪是YOU --猪是I
四十九、 一美女穿着胸前有 “99”字样的上衣，老外想称赞她，可又忘了中文 “9”怎么说，于是老外对小姐说：“小姐，你的两个‘nine、 nine’好漂亮啊！”
五十、 "Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from." 客人：“为什么你的狗狗坐在那儿老是看着我吃东西呢？”旅馆主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因为你拿了它经常用来吃东西的盘子了。”"
五十一、 "A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly．“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?”“I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.”一个老师问她的学生：“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说：“乔治.华盛顿。”老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生：“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”这个男孩子说：“因为，他是第一个挑起战争，第一个主张和平，并且是第一个深得民心的人。”这时，有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来，老师问他，“你认为谁是世界第一个男人？”男孩回答说：“我不知道他的名字，但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿，因为历史书上说，乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了，所以在他之前，当然还有一个男的啦。”"
五十二、 Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot! 牙医：请不要再叫了，我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊！ 病人：但是，亲，你可知道，你踩到我脚了！！！
五十三、 "Absent-minded Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine. 教授：天哪！有人偷了我的钱包！ 妻子：你难道没感觉到一只手伸进你的口袋？ 教授：感觉到了，可我还以为那是我的手呢？"
五十四、 "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class, said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. ""When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."" 一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说： "" 我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。 "" "" 我说 ' 下午好 ' 的时候，本科生回答 ' 下午好 ' ，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。 """
五十五、 "刚上班不久，有个公司的A/R打电话来催支票，我循例问了一下他是哪间公司打来的，那男的很有礼貌的说：“Thisis xxx calling from Beach Brother."" 听懂了很开心，不过由于对公司名字还不熟，心想先用笔记下来公司名，省得等下忘记了，正得意忘形之间，顺嘴开始拼写人家公司的名字，还说得一本正 经：""b.i.t.c.h......bitch, correct?""……那男的终于还是没能忍住怒火，近似于怒吼似的对我喊道：""NO!!! B.E.A.C.H.....BEACH!!!!!!"" 接下来的一年里，没再跟这间公司又过任何生意往来......汗"
五十六、 "A pair of honeymooners checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D. C. That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked, ""Do you think this room is bugged?"" ""That was a long time ago, sweet-heart,"" he reassured her. ""But what if there's a microphone somewhere? I'd be so embarrassed."" So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enoush, there was a funny-looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed. The next morning the newly weds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they" "had slept well. ""We did,"" replied the groom. ""Why do you ask?"" ""It's rather unusual."" T" "he clerk answered," """Last night the couple in the" room below yours had "a chandelier fall on them."" 有一对正在华盛顿度蜜月的新婚夫妇， 他们来到水门旅馆登记住宿。到了晚上，丈夫刚要熄灯，新娘子问道：“你觉得房间里会不会装有窃听器？” “亲爱的，那都是多少年前的事了。”丈夫劝她打消这种念头。 “然而假如真的藏着传声器，那该怎么办呢？叫人多难堪啊！” 因此，新郎搜查" 了 一圈 ， 从桌 子底下和挂 画后面 的墙壁 。最 后，他 翻开 了地 毯。不出所 料， 地板 上有个外表奇特的小东西。他拧下螺丝，拆掉零件，之后就上床睡觉了。 第二天早上 ，这对新人被旅馆的工作人员的敲门声惊醒。工作人员问他们晚上睡得怎么样。 “很好啊，”新郎回答到，“为什么你要问这个问题呢？” “这太奇怪了，”工作 人员说道，“昨天夜里，你们楼下那对夫妇被枝型吊灯砸了。”
五十七、 "Keep feeding him nickelsA mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. ""Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? ""Yelled back the father,""Keep feeding him nickels!""母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道：“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？”孩子他爸大声回答道：" “再喂他几枚镍币！”
五十八、 "Mother asked her little daughter who was reading a book. ""What are you reading, dear?"" ""I don't know."" the little girl answered. ""You don't know? But you were reading aloud, so you must know."" ""I was reading aloud, mummy, but i wasn't listening,"" explained the child.女儿在大声读书，妈妈问：“亲爱的，你在读什么？” “我不知道，”小女孩回答说。 “你不知道？你不是在朗读吗，你应该知道的，”妈妈说。 女儿解释说，“我在朗读，可我没有在听啊!”"
五十九、 "late In the subway, a man found pickpocket is cutting his wallet, and humorously said: "man, you came to night! I today although took salary, but my wife lay more quickly than you!" 在地铁里，一位男子发现扒手正在掏他的钱包，便幽默地说： “老兄，你来晚了！我今天虽然领了薪水，但我太太下手比你快多了！”"
六十、 "love letter Guy in the letters to his girlfriend wrote: "love your love so much, that would like to give you go through hell. On Saturday as it does not rain, I'll come. 小伙子在给女朋友的信中写到：“爱你爱得如此之深， 以至愿为你赴汤蹈火。星期六如不下雨，我一定来。"
六十一、 "Tom is a very old man. After dinner, he likes walking in the street. And he goes to bed at seven o’clock. 汤姆是一位老人，他喜欢在晚饭后到大街上散步，在7点回来睡觉。 But tonight, a car stopped at his house. A policeman helps him get out. He tells Tom’s wife, “The old man couldn’t find his way in the street. He asked me to take him in the car.” 但是，今天晚上一辆小汽车停在他家门前，汤姆在一位警察的帮助下走下汽车。警察告诉汤姆的妻子：“这位老人在街上迷路了，他让我用汽车送他回来。” After the policeman leaves there, his wife asks, “Tom, you go to the street every night. But tonight you can’t find the way, w" hat’s the matter?” 警察走后：“汤姆，你每天都到那条街上散步，但是今天你迷路了，你怎 么了?” The old man smiles like a child and s "ays, “I couldn’t fi" nd my way? I didn’t want to walk home.”这位老人像孩子般的笑道：“我迷路了?我是不想走路回家。”
六十二、 "The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。"
六十三、 "A shoplifter |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。”"
六十四、 上英语课，英语老师来到讲台，面对全班学生，露出一丝温和的笑容：“goodmorning，boysandgirls！” 全班同学起立，小明也跟着站了起来，只是，当别人正在用英语向老师问好的时候，他却对同桌小胖说道：“我终于知道英语老师为什么没男朋友了。” “为什么？”同桌小胖忍不住问道。 看到别人都开始坐下，唐金也坐了下来，然后对张小胖说道：“你没听到苏老师刚才说什么吗？” 张小胖却有些纳闷：“苏老师刚才好像没说什么吧？” “小胖，你的耳朵也不太好啊！”小明有些同情的看着小胖，“你没听到英语老师说吗？她说，姑娘摸你，勃一次俺得割二次，你不觉得英语老师对她男朋友要求太高了吗？让一个美女去摸人家，还不许人家有反应，有反应就要阉他两次，这谁敢做她男朋友啊？” 小胖目瞪口呆，人才啊，这货真他妈人才啊，长这么大，他第一次听到这么解释这句英语的。
六十五、 "While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!" 一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？” 他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”"
六十六、 "Jimmy: Hey, Amy, aren't you coming out to play? Amy: No, I have to stay in and help my father with my homework. 基米：嘿，艾米，你不出来玩吗？艾米：不了，我必须留在家里，帮我爸爸做我的家庭作业。"
六十七、 for your confidential A: "this matter I just tell you one person, you must the secret for me." B: "trust, not only I want secret for you, I will tell everybody to be secret for you." 甲：”这件事我只告诉你一人，请你千万为我保密。" 乙：”放心，不但我要为你保密，我还要告诉大家都来为你保密。
六十八、 一个外国人来到中国开了家公司，招聘职工每月工资一千美元，（要求懂英文的）。老王看到了招聘启示，连忙回去学英语。一个晚上他学会了四个单词：1.Yes! 2.No! 3.Thank you! 4.Goodbye！ 第二天，老王来到公司应聘成功，隔天上岗。第三天，下班后大家都回去了，老板看见老王在扫地，扫得干干净净，就问：“这是你自己一个人扫的吗？”“Yes!” “真的吗？”“Yes!”“这是给你的100元小费”“Thank you!” 第四天，下班后又是老王在扫地，老板跑过来说：“又是你在扫地吗？”“Yes！”老板又说：“你有看见我的金表吗？”“Yes！” “那就还给我吧！”“No！” “再不还给我，我就报警啦！” “Thankyou!” “你要做五年的牢！” “Goodbye!” 老板当场晕倒！！！
六十九、 一外国人去超市买东西，结帐时收银小姐：Can you speak Chinese？老外：如果你说慢一点我能听懂。收银小姐：Can…… you…… speak…… Chinese……
七十、 "Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价！”“特便宜！”左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价！”“大折扣！”。中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。"
七十一、 "opening Elementary school begins, just over 6 years old of winter winter will not come to school. Mother to dongdong explanation, children with 6 years old shall go to school, until 15 years old. Last winter winter finally before desk sat down and full of tears to ask: when I was 15, you will remember pick me up?小学开学了，刚满6岁的冬冬不肯到学校上学。妈妈向冬冬解释，小朋友满6岁就要去上学，一直到15岁。最后冬冬终于在书桌前坐下来，满含热泪地问：等我15岁的时候，您会记得来接我吗？"
七十二、 He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物，我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的？墓地守墓人。
七十三、 "We were leaving a football game in a throng1 of people,and my husband,who never displays affection in public, took my hand. I was delighted. As we walked hand in hand out of the stadium, I looked up at him, smiling, and asked, "You don't want to lose me?" "No," he said. "I don't want to look for you." 我们到人很拥挤的地方去看足球比赛。我那从来不会在公共场所显露感情的丈夫拉着我的手。我高兴极了。当我们手拉手走出体育场的时候，我抬头看着他微笑着问：“你是不想把我丢了吧？” “不，”他说，“我是不想去找你。”"
七十四、 "Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。"
七十五、 "Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped."What do you want now?" Bill said to him.George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗？”比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗？”比尔给了他一张。这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗？”比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。“你还要什么？”比尔问。乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是？”"
七十六、 "Two factory workers are talking.Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.Man: And how would you do that?Woman: Just wait and see.She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. After a while, the boss comes in.Boss: What are you doing?Woman: I'm a light bulb.Boss: You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.The man starts to follow her.Man: I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.工厂的两名工人正在谈论。女人:我可以让老板放我一天假。男人:你会怎么做？女人:你就等着看吧。然后她把自己倒吊在天花板土，过了一会儿，老板走来进来。老板:你干什么呢？女人:我是一个灯泡。老板:你工作太多了，都发疯了。我认为你需要休息一天。男人开始跟着她往外走。Boss: Where are you going？老板:你要去哪里？男人:我也要回家。我无法在黑暗中工作呀。"
七十七、 "Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到?汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。""
七十八、 "My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”"
七十九、 "A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。"
八十、 "一根手指头的英文叫做ONE,两根手指头的英文叫做TWO,依次类推,四根手手指头的英文叫做 four，那么弯起来的四根手指头的英文叫什么？猜一英文单词？？答案：Wondeful"
八十一、 中国留学生在国外的高速公路出车祸了，连人带车翻下悬崖 交警赶到后向下喊话道：“How are you？” 留学生答：“I‘m fine，thank you！And you ?” 然后交警走了，留学生就死了。。。。。。。。。。。
八十二、 "The German poet Heine was Jewish. Once at a patty a traveler said to him: "I found an island where, to my surprise, there were no Jews or donkeys!"Henie said calmly: "Well, this defect can only be remedied when you and I together go to the island!"德国大诗人海涅是犹太人。有一次晚会上，一个旅行家对他说:“我发现了一座岛屿，令我惊奇的是，那个岛上竟然没有犹太人和驴子！”海涅不动声色地说:“看来，只有你我一起去那个岛上，才会弥补这个缺陷！”"
八十三、 "A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, ""Why are you staring at me.?"" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, ""My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't" "want to miss it!"" 某人举办一场宴会招待他的同事，包括他的老板。 吃饭的时候，男主人的3岁小" 女儿目不转睛地盯着 对面她父亲的老板看，甚至没有吃 东西。 老板先检查了领 事，然后抹抹脸上看有没有食物，再整整头发。那小女孩依然盯着他看。他尽力不去注意这事，但这太难了。他忍不住问小女孩：“你为什么老盯着我看？” 桌子上的每个人都注意到了这事，安静地盼着她的回答。 小女孩说：“爸爸说你象牛饮，我可不想错过看到！”
八十四、 "A much worried patient walked into doctor's office asking for help:""Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!""""Oh, Don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days!""候诊室里坐着一位忧心忡忡的病人，当医生传唤他时，他满面愁容地说：“医生，怎么办？我昨天误喝下一瓶汽油！”医生回答他说：“喔..沒关系啦！记得这几天不要抽烟！”"
八十五、 初中英语不好，老师就给我换了个英语好的女同桌。一日自习课，看单词看到“husband”有点印象，又不确切，就拿单词问同桌：“老婆？”“不是，老公。”我总觉得是老婆的意思，和她犟上了：“老婆！”她也不甘示弱：“老公！”“老婆！”“老公！”声音越来越大。喊了有2分钟，发现教室忽然很安静....
八十六、 "This pampered young lady had left her family for the first time to join the college and was feeling quite lonely on Thanksgiving. She decided to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for herself. She was narrating her first experience in the kitchen to her mother and mother really wanted to know about the results. When asked how the food was, the lady replied with a shudder that though the ready-made soup and pizza were great, she had quite a trouble with turkey. Trying to get to the root of the problem, the mother asked, "Was it burnt?" The lady replied, "Oh! I couldn't taste it mom. It simply wouldn't sit still!" 一位养尊处优的年轻小姐头一回离家去上大学，到了感恩节她倍感孤单。她决定为自己做一顿感恩节大餐。她正在向自己的母亲描述自己第一次做饭的经历，而母亲也很想知道结果如何。当被问及做得好不好吃，这位小姐打了一个颤说，尽管速食汤和批萨不错，但是烹饪火鸡时却遇到了不小的麻烦。她的母亲想找到问题的根源，于是就问她：“是不是烤焦了?”这位小姐回答道：“哦，我没法品尝它，妈妈。火鸡就是不肯老实地坐着!”"
八十七、 "About two weeks before our fifth anniversary, my husband ased me what I would like for a gift. I told him I wanted something impractical1 and romantic. On our anniversary, he presented me with a lovely gold bracelet2. "A little four-letter word made me get this for you," he said softly. "Oh, how sweet," I whispered. "L-O-V-E?" "No," he replied. "S-A-L-E." 我们结婚五周年前大约两周时，我丈夫问我喜欢什么礼物。我告诉他我要那些没有实用价值却又富于浪漫色彩的。 在我们的周年纪念日那天，他向我展示了一副可爱的金手镯。“一个小小的四字词，让我为你买了这个。”他温和地说。 “哦，多甜蜜。”我耳语他。“L-O-V-E（爱）?” “不对，”他回答。“S-A-L-E.（处理品）”"
八十八、 "my father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. at a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.我爸比我妈大14岁，最近一直在写遗嘱。一次家宴上，他告诉我们说他为母亲以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的话，家里的房子将归我们五个孩子所有。"i don't want another s.o.b. toasting his shins around my fireplace," he explained.“我可不愿意另外哪个狗娘养的在我的火炉旁烤他的狗腿，”他解释道。with a sly grin, mothercracked, "what makes you think i'd marry another s.o.b?"妈妈狡猾地咧了咧嘴，讥诮道：“你怎么认为我会再嫁给一个狗娘养的？”"
八十九、 "At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”"
九十、 ""Sonia Sotomayor is testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she 'felt out of place attending Princeton.' Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee."索尼娅•索托马约尔现在在参议院司法委员会做听证。她曾经说过她在普林斯顿的时候感觉不太合群。索托马约尔说普林斯顿的白人太多了，她感觉她像是出席参议院司法委员会听证会一样。"
九十一、 "The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被宠坏的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离" 开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？哭？ 约翰问，不，我没哭 ，可老师哭了
1. Mike:Mum,I want to watch TV.
Mum:There is no electricity tonight.
Mike:Then let's watch TVwith a candie on.
迈克：妈妈，我想看电视。
妈妈：今晚停电了。
迈克：那我们就点着蜡烛看吧。
2.The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
4. I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗？”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的，亲爱的，”她回答说，“你问这个干什么？”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
5. A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”
6. He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？
-- 墓地守墓人。
7. Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
8.my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
9. Bring me the winner
—- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员， 这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
10. Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”
最好笑的英语笑话合集(一)
A man noticed his wife standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in her stomach. Thinking she was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, he commented,"I don’t think that’s going to help.""Sure it will,"she said."It’s the only way I can see the numbers."
一个男人看见妻子使劲收腹站在体重秤上，以为她想称得轻一点，就说：“没用的。” 妻子说：“当然有用，这样我才能看到秤上的数字。”
最好笑的英语笑话合集(二)
计划你的将来 Make your fortune
"How did you make your fortune?""I became the partner of a rich man. He had the money and I had the experience.""How did that help?""Now he has the experience and I has the money."
“你是怎么计划你的将来的?”“我变成一个富人的合伙人，他有钱，我有经验。”“那有什么用?”“现在他有经验了，我有钱。”
最好笑的英语笑话合集(三)
一个小姑娘的希望 A Girl's Wish
On the way home after watching a ballet performance, the kindergarten teacher asked her students what they thought of it.
The smallest girl in the class said she wished the dancers were taller so that they wouldn't have to stand on their toes all the time.
看完芭蕾舞表演，幼儿园的老师在回家的路上问她班里的孩子们感觉怎么样。
班里最小的一个女孩说，她希望演员们个子再高点就好了，这样就不用踮着脚跳了。
无厘头英语笑话集锦(一)
Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?老师：汤姆!约翰!你俩今天为什么迟到了!
Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.汤姆：老师，我一直在找我丢失的一美元硬币。
Teachear: John, what about you?老师：那么你呢，约翰?
John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.约翰：老师，我不能动啊，我把他的硬币藏脚底下了。
无厘头英语笑话集锦(二)
Teacher: Where does God live?老师：上帝住哪儿?
Student: I think he lives in our bathroom.学生：我想他应该住我家浴室。
Teacher: Why do you say that?老师：为什么这么说?
Student: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, "God, are you still in there?"学生：因为每天早上我爸都猛敲浴室的大门喊：“上帝啊，你怎么还在里面?”
无厘头英语笑话集锦(三)
Teacher: How can you tell a hawk has good eyesight?老师：为什么说鹰的视力很好?
Student: Because I have never seen a hawk wearing spectacles.学生：因为我从没见过哪只鹰戴眼镜。
相亲 Blind Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地!”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了!”
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”
“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”
律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎么引起洪水的?”他不解的问。
Lose One Pound减掉一磅
I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age."
Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"
我称赞我的一个同事减肥10磅。可是，我禁不住夸耀说我17岁时，体重225磅，而目前体重是224磅。我还说：“这对我这样年龄的男子来说，是不错的。”
一个女子听到了这些话，她说道：“你是说你花了这么长时间才减了1磅?”
The doctor lives downstairs医生住在楼下
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
简单风趣英语笑话(一)
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
圣诞节来了，一位先生给他太太送的圣诞礼物是一个非常漂亮的钻石戒指。
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
他朋友听到他买这么奢侈的礼物后，说到：“我先前以为她想要的是一辆四驱车”。
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to buy a fake Jeep?"
先生答：“是啊，(可以买到假钻石戒指)，可是我去哪里能买到一辆假吉普车呢?”
简单风趣英语笑话(二)
"Your Honor, I want to bringto your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. Hearrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What'smore, he only speaks a few words of English." The judge looked at thedefendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?" The defendantlooked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"
"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。" 法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文?" 被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我!"
简单风趣英语笑话(三)
A husband, proving to his wifethat women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men useon average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. Shethought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twiceas many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said,"What?"
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。他问："什么?"
初一简单英语笑话故事篇一：Not so fast 别那么急嘛
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(欢庆的) charity event was taking place.
Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
一只猪和一只鸡路过一所教堂，那里有一场盛大慈善活动正在进行着。
在精神上收到触动的猪向小鸡提出建议：他们每个人作出点自己的贡献。
“好主意!”鸡尖叫道，“让我们给腿和鸡蛋吧?”
“着什么急”猪不耐烦地说，“对你来说，是一个贡献，对我来说，这是一个完全的献身。”
初一简单英语笑话故事篇二：I，You and she(我，你，她)
Peter was a clever boy. On his first day at school, he learned three words: 1, You and She. The teacher taught him how to make sentences with those words. The teachersaid," I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student.
When Peter went home, his father asked him what he had learned at school. Peter said at once, " I, I am your teacher; (then pointing to his mother) She, She is your classmate; You, You are my student His father got angry and said, "I, I am your father; (then pointing to his wife) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son.
The next morning at school, the teacher asked Peter if he had learned the three words byheart. "Yes," he said proudly, "I, I am your father; (then pointing to a girl) She, She is your mother; You, You are my son."
初一简单英语笑话故事篇三：A Life for a Life(以“命”抵命)
The English author，Richard Savage，was once living inLondon in great poverty.In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth.As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again.After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it.The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again. But still no money came. Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money.Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you.”
“I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you.”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage.
英国作家理查德·萨维奇一度在伦敦过着贫困潦倒的生活，为了赚几个钱，他曾写了有关他自己生平的故事。但是这部书在书店里并没有卖出几本，萨维奇过着朝不保夕的日子。由于缺乏食物，他病得很厉害。后来，由于给他治疗的那个医生的高明医术，他才又恢复了健康。过了一两个星期之后，医生给萨维奇送来了一张讨要诊费的帐单，但是贫穷的萨维奇没有钱来偿付。医生等了一个月后又送来了帐单，但仍然未索回分文。几个星期之后，他又送来帐单要钱。最后，医生本人来到了萨维奇的家中，对他说：“你明白，你是欠我一条命的，我希望你有所报答。”
“是的，”萨维奇说，“我是欠你一条命，为了向你证明我对你的诊治不是不报答，我将把我的命给你。”
说着这番话，萨维奇递给医生两卷书，名叫《理查德·萨维奇的一生》。
初一简单英语笑话故事篇四：A Good Boy 好孩子
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents.
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly.
“你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。
"Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
"She is the one who sells the candy."
“她是个卖糖果的。”
最希望得到的签名
Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."
我们大学的校报开办了一个每周一问的专栏。上周的问题是：“你最想要什么人的签名?为什么?”和预计的一样，大部分的回答都是歌星、体育明星或者政治家。但是，最优秀的答案来自一个一年级新生，他说：“在我毕业证上签字的那个人。”
记得这几天不要抽烟
A much worried patient walked into doctor's office asking for help: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!"
"Oh, Don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days!" The doctor replied.
候诊室里坐着一位忧心忡忡的病人，当医生传唤他时，他满面愁容的说：“医生，怎么办?我昨天误喝下一瓶汽油!”
医生回答他说：“喔，没关系啦!记得这几天不要抽烟!”
最丑的孩子?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的最丑的小孩。”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。”
成功的关键
One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.'"
"What is cleverness?" asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise," the father answered.
一天，父亲教育儿子说：“一个人成功的关键就是严守诺言和足够聪明。一旦你给了别人承诺，无论发生什么事，你都得实现它，这个就叫‘守诺言’。”
儿子问：“那么什么是聪明呢?”
父亲回答：“聪明就是任何时候都别做这样的承诺。”
一分钟一百万
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second."
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟
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