幽默搞笑小故事
篇一:英语经典幽默故事
myFirstandmyLast
whengeorgewasthirty-five,heboughtasmallplaneandlearnedtoflyit.hesoonbecameverygoodandmadehisplanedoallkindsoftricks.
georgehadafriend.hisnamewasmark.onedaygeorgeofferedtotakemarkupinhisplane.markthought,"I'vetravelledinabigplaneseveraltimes,butI'veneverbeeninasmallone,soI'llgo."
Theywentup,andgeorgeflewaroundforhalfanhouranddidallkindsoftricksintheair.whentheycamedownagain,markwasverygladtobebacksafely,andhesaidtohisfriendinashakingvoice,"well,george,thankyouverymuchforthosetwotripsinyourplane."gerogywasverysurprisedandsaid,"Twotrips?"
"Yes,myfirstandmylast,"answeredmark.
第一次与最后一次
乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机,并开始学习驾驶。不久,他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。
乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天,乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想,“我乘大客机飞行过好几次,还从来没有乘过小飞机,我不妨试一试。”升空后,乔治飞了有半个小时,在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。
后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说:“乔治,非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”
乔治非常吃惊地问:“两次飞行?”
“是的,我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。
FirstFlight
mr.Johnsonhadneverbeenupinanaerophanebeforeandhehadreadalotaboutairaccidents,soonedaywhenafriendofferedtotakehimforarideinhisownsmallphane,mr.Johnsonwasveryworriedaboutaccepting.Finally,however,hisfriendpersuadedhimthatitwasverysafe,andmr.Johnsonboardedtheplane.
hisfriendstartedtheengineandbegantotaxiontotherunwayoftheairport.mr.Johnsonhadheardthatthemostdangerouspartofaflightwerethetake-offandthelanding,sohewasextremelyfrightenedandclosedhiseyes.
Afteraminuteortwoheopenedthemagain,lookedoutofthewindowoftheplane,andsaidtohisfriend,"Lookatthosepeopledownthere.Theylookassmallasants,don'tthey?""Thoseareants,"answeredhisfriend."we'restillontheground."
第一次坐飞机
约翰逊先生从前未乘过飞机,他读过许多关于飞行事故的报道。所以,有一天一位朋友邀请他乘自己的小飞机飞行时,约翰逊先生非常担心,不敢接受。不过,由于朋友不断保证说飞行是很安全的,约翰逊先生终于被说服了,登上了飞机。
他的朋友启动引擎开始在机场跑道上滑行。约翰逊先生听说飞行中最危险的是起飞与降落,所以他吓得紧闭双眼。
过了一两分钟,他睁开双眼朝窗外望去,接着对朋友说道:“看下面那些人,他们看起来就象蚂蚁一样小,是不是?”
“那些就是蚂蚁,”他的朋友答道,“我们还在地面上。”
AnailorAFly?
Anoldgentlemanwhoseeyesightwasfailingcametostayinahotelroomwithabottleofwineineachhand.onthewalltherewasaflywhichhetookforanail.sothemomenthe
hungthemon,thebottlesfellbrokenandthewinespiltalloverthefloor.whenawaitressdiscoveredwhathadhappened,sheshoweddeepsympathyforhimanddecidedtodohimafavour.
sothenextmorningwhenhewasouttakingawalkintheroofgarden,shehammeredanailexactlywheretheflyhadstayed.
nowtheoldmanenteredhisroom.Thesmellofthespiltwineremindedhimoftheaccident.whenhelookedupatthewall,hefoundtheflywasthereagain!hewalkedtoitcarefullyadnslappeditwithallhisstrength.onhearingaloudcry,thekind-heartedwaitressrushedin.Tohergreatsurprise,thepooroldmanwastheresittingonthefloor,histeethclenchedandhisrighthandbleeding!
钉子还是苍蝇?
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇,他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂,瓶子掉下来摔碎了,酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后,对他深表同情,决定帮他个忙。
于是,第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时,她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。这里,老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看,苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近,使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫,好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是,可怜的老头正坐在地板上,牙关紧咬,右手滴血不止。I'llseetotheRest
Aguardwasabouttosignalhistraintostartwhenhesawanattractivegirlstandingontheplatformbyanopendoor,talkingtoanotherprettygirlinsidethecarriage.
"comeon,miss!"heshouted."shutthedoor,please!"
"oh,Ijustwanttokissmysistergoodbye,"shecalledback.
"Youjustshutthatdoor,please,"calledtheguard,"andI'llseetotherest."
其余的事由我负责
一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动,这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边,跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。
“快点,小姐!”他喊道:“请把门关上。”
“噢,我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。
“请把门关上好了,”列车员说:“其余的事由我负责。”
chaudeandcold
Apatroninmontrealcafeturnedonatapinthewashroomandgotscalded."Thisisanoutrage,"hecomplained."Thefaucetmarkedcgavemeboilingwater."
"but,monsieur,cstandsforchaude-Frenchforhot.Youshouldknowthatifyouliveinmontreal."
"waitaminute,"roaredthepatron."Theothertapisalsomarkedc."
"ofcourse,"saidthemanager,"Itstandsforcold.Afterall,montrealisabilingualcity."热与冷
蒙特利尔自助餐厅的一位顾客拧开盥洗室的龙头,结果被水烫伤了。“这太可恶了,”他抱怨道,“标着c的龙头流出的是开水。”
“可是,先生,c代表chaude-法语里代表?热?。如果您居住在蒙特利尔的话就得知道这一点。”
“等等,”那位顾客咆哮一声,“另外一个龙头同样标的是c。”
“当然,”经理说道:“它代表冷。毕竟,蒙特利尔是个双语城市。”
Asoldier'sbrilliantIdea
mr.Robinsonhadtotravelsomewhereonbusiness,andashewasinahurry,hedecidedtogobyair.helikedsittingbesideawindowwhenhewasflying,sowhenhegotontotheplane,helookedforawindowseat.hefoundallofthemhadalreadyhadbeentakenexceptforone.Therewasasoldiersittingintheseatbesidethisone,andmr.Robinsonwassurprisedthathehadnottakentheonebythewindow;but,anyhow,heatoncewenttowardsit.
whenhereachedit,however,hesawthattherewasanoticeonit.Itwaswrittenininkandsaid,"Thisseatispreservedforproperloadbalance,thankyou."mrRobinsonhadneverseensuchanunusualnoticeinaplanebefore,buthethoughtthattheplanemustbecarryingsomethingparticularlyheavyinit,sohewalkedonandfoundanotheremptyseat,notbesideawindow,tositin.
Twoorthreepeopletriedtositinthewindowseatbesidethesoldier,buttheytooreadthenoticeandwenton,whentheplanewasnearlyfull,averybeautifulgirlhurriedintotheplane.Thesoldier,whowaswatchingthepassengerscomingin,quicklytookthenoticeofftheseatbesidehimselfandinthiswaysucceededinhavingthecompanyofthegirlduringthewholetrip.
士兵的高招
由于生意方面的事,罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急,他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行时,他喜欢靠窗坐,故而一登机,他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是,这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位置。罗宾逊先生不管那些,他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。
然而,等到了那儿,他看见座位上有则启事,是用钢笔写的:“为保持装载平衡,特预设该位置,谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不过,他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品,于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。
又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上,他们看到那则启事就走开了。当快满座时,一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法,成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。newDiscovery
Ahillbillywasvisitingthebigcityforthefirsttime.enteringanofficebuilding,hesawapudgyolderwomanstepintoasmallroom.Thedoorsclosed,lightsflashed,andafterawhilethedoorslidopenandabeautifulyoungmodelsteppedofftheelevator.
blinkinginamazement,thehillbillydrawled,"Ishouldhavebroughtmywife!"
新发现
一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼,看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上,有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿,门开了,电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。
乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛,慢吞吞地说:“我应该把我的老婆带来!”
AbadImpression
sixpeopleweretravellinginacompartmentonatrain.Fiveofthemwerequietandwellbehaved,butthesixthwasarudeyoungmanwhowascausingalotoftroubletotheotherpassengers.
Atlastthisyoungmangotoutatastationwithhistwoheavybags.noneoftheotherpassengershelpedhim,butoneofthemwaiteduntiltherudeyoungmanwasveryfaraway
andthenopenedthewindowandshoutedtohim,"Youleftsomethingbehindinthecompartment!"Thenheclosedthewindowagain.
Theyoungmantrunedaroundandhurriedbackwithhistwobags.hewasverytiredwhenhearrived,butheshoutedthroughthewindow,"whatdidIleavebehind?"
Asthetrainbegantomoveagain,thepassengerwhohadcalledhimbackopenedthewindowandsaid,"Averybadimpression!"
一个坏印象
有六个人搭乘火车旅行,坐在同一车箱内。其中五个很安静,也很规矩。但第六个是个粗鲁的年轻人,给其他乘客招惹了许多麻烦。
最后,这位年轻人在一个车站带着两个沉重的皮箱下了车。没有一个旅客帮他的忙。有个人一直等到这位粗鲁的年轻人走得很远了,才打开窗户,对着他大声喊:“你把东西留在车厢里了!”然后,又把窗户关了起来。
年轻人转过身子,拎着两个沉甸甸的皮箱,匆匆赶了回来。他转回来时,显得非常疲倦,对着窗户大声喊:“我把什么东西留在车上了?”
当火车再次启动时,叫他回来的旅客打开窗户说:“一个极坏的印象!”
sleepingpills
bobwashavingtroublegettingtosleepatnight.hewenttoseehisdoctor,whoprescribedsomeextra-strongsleepingpills.
sundaynightbobtookthepills,sleptwellandwasawakebeforeheheardthealarm.hetookhistimegettingtotheoffice,strolledinandsaidtohisboss:"Ididn'thaveabitoftroublegettingupthismorning."
"That'sfine,"roaredtheboss,"butwherewereyoumondayandTuesday?"
安眠药
鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生,医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药,睡得很好,在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室,遛达进去,对老板说:“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。”
“好啊!”老板吼道,“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了?”
creative
Applyingformyfirstjob,IrealizedIhadtobecreativeinlistingmyfewqualifications.Askedaboutadditionalschoolingandtraining,IansweredtruthfullythatIhadspentthreeyearsincomputerprogrammingclasses.Igotthejob.
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